Observations from a Dating App

I DECIDED TO infiltrate a community I had never known.

A community that burgeoned in the years when I was 1. living abroad, 2. had a serious girlfriend, and 3. had no smartphone.

No, I was never able to participate myself, but I’ll admit I was slightly curious.

So here I am, in 2018, and I’ve finally decided to break into the world of dating apps.

I say “apps”, but I really mean just one.  The app—which I won’t name—should be a good representation of the female community in Los Angeles.

I’m not trying to actually pick up chicks here; this is all for learning purposes only.

And I am happy to report, that I have learned a lot about women.  Women; it’s time to learn about yourselves.

 

-MUST LOVE DOGS  Who would’ve thought, that the most ubiquitous sentence in a lady’s profile would be that a man “must love dogs”.  They usually go on to elaborate, that they are “seeking a father for my two pups” and then “no really, they’re cute little dog-children”, and “my boys are looking for a daddy!”  BITCH I AIN’T TRYING TO HAVE TWO CHILDREN!!  NOR am I looking to walk your dog while you are stuck in bed with the flu.  And it’s not just an obsession with raising dogs either, it’s an obsession of ALL things dogs.  And the includes the worst trend of our times…

–THE SNAPCHAT DOG EARS  If I were trying to pull girls off these apps, I would IMMEDIATELY swipe left (or is it right?) on girls that do that one Snapchat filter that gives them an imaginary set of dog ears and a dog nose.  This is not cool!  In any single way!  You are a human, who looks like an idiot, devoid of all sex appeal, proving that you are incapable of setting trends on your own, when you engage in this shallow and meaningless custom.  Bad dog.  Bad!

–KIM KARDASHIAN WANNABE’S  When did Kim Kardashian become America’s role model?  When did she become anyone to look up to, aside from her kids looking up to her, suffocating, hoping that she’ll realize they are stuck in her massive ass after she sat on them?  I never knew she was so popular until I saw legions of women on the dating app trying to replicate the full look.  Long black hair, duck lips, a shitload of makeup, over-accentuated breasts, and a look that says “it’s gonna cost you, buddy.”

–T-GIRLS  You figured that if you list yourself as a “straight male”, that your results would only include females, right?  WRONG.  There are some gorillas in that mist, boy!  And they are called “t-girls”, which I’ll just assume stands for “tranny girls”.  T-girls can strike anytime.  Seriously, the sheer amount of T-girls I’ve come across was enough to trigger PTSD from my days of living in Thailand… also the reason I can identify them with relative ease.  But for the layman-man just cruising around these apps, looking for that quick fuck; you’ll find it alright.  It just may be you getting fucked, rather than the other way around.

-THE POSE  So, I don’t know if you are aware, but all girls have this one pose.  It’s like the factory setting pose.  It’s where they stand there, and put their hand on their waist, and tilt their… fuck I better just illustrate this myself.

-YOGA  I need to sign up for yoga, is what I realized.  The entire female population on Earth is currently enrolled in yoga class.  They have to be.  Every girl on the app lists yoga as a hobby.  Are women planning on striking us with a preemptive strike of yoga warriors?  Or do they all just want to be flexible enough to blow themselves?  Hmm… both seem equally feasable.

-IG  Do you know what IG stands for?  You do?  Jesus you’re one of them, aren’t you.  I never knew how popular Instagram was until I saw a link to it in everyone’s profile.  Not only is it not enough to put the standard 4 or 5 pictures up on their dating profile, but they have to slip in a line in the bottom that says “IG: freddygotfingered” to link to their Instagram profile, so you could look at more pictures of them.  Which is total creep bait.  You sure you want that?

-ONE JOB  This is kind of a “locale specific” one, but this particular dating app I’m using shows everyone’s names and occupation right below it.  And I swear to god, about 60% of the jobs out here are “TV host”, or “actress”, or “model”.  Assuming that those aren’t all cover words for “do porn”, then what does this teach us, sociologically?  It teaches us that women in the entertainment industry don’t have time for boyfriends.  OR that they all like to get down and dirty.  I’m guessing the latter.

-IF YOU…. SWIPE LEFT  Here’s a good one:  Girls making demands, which, if aren’t met, mean you must swipe left.  Not only does this discourage open-mindedness and discourse among people with differing viewpoints, but occasionally the demands are really too much.  I get ones like “if you voted for Trump, swipe left”.  But there’s no defending “if you aren’t open to having 10 of my devil babies, swipe left”, and “if you don’t like mimosas at 6:30 AM every Sunday in Beverly Hills at the Frumpy Bitch Hotel accompanied by fourteen of my cousins, swipe left”.  It’s not right ladies.  Don’t tell somebody to swipe right just because they do something differently.  Learn from them.

-BOOB  Here’s a formula I devised: the greater amount of boob in the picture, the higher proportion of desperation.  I’ve even seen girls whose profile pics aren’t faces; it’s just raw, extreme cleavage.  Sometimes the titties are so big you go “where are her nipples??”  and you realize her nipples are actually covered up below but the tits are just so massive that that’s where you’d expect them to be but they’re not because they aren’t even on the cusp of being normal sized tits.  They are like a GGG size.  That’s a real size, right?  What do the letters go up to on bra sizes anyhow?  Ladies…?

-NEW TO THIS  There is always the girl who is new to the game (purportedly) and then all her profile says is “can’t believe I’m doing this!” or “this is weird” or “roommate made me sign up because I lost a bet”, etc, etc.  You can sense that there is a certain sense of shame or embarrassment for these girls, and this is just a cover.  Maybe she’s been on here for years and had no luck?  Who knows.  But I don’t think  anyone should be ashamed about this.  No, quite the contrary…

Let me reiterate that I’ve never been on a date with anyone I’ve met on a dating app, but from my brief exposure to it, I’ve come to one conclusion.

Women are weird as fuck.

Actually that’s not my conclusion.  That’s just another observation.

The conclusion is that, dating apps are likely the most efficient method of dating in the history of mankind.  You can look at a picture of someone, and instantly know if you are attracted to that person or not.  And if you are, you can press on, and read about the person in their profile, getting an even deeper sense of who the person is, all from a completely voyeuristic perspective, and all in under 2 minutes.  By the time you decide to speak to them, you will already have a tight grip on who this person is.  Which leaves less room for error, and minimal “tragic” dates.

Although I think that would also be part of the fun.

The stories you could tell about the worst dates you’ve been on!

How funny would that be?  Especially if you were deliberately picking the worst candidates, people who could not be more unalike you.  And then share those stories…

Yeah, that would be a great idea.  Someone really should do it.

Someone.

Really.

Should.

Do.

It.