I had large ambitions when I started plotting this piece (eleven seconds ago). I would begin my ascent into international fame by writing Explicit Exploits’ first bi-lingual piece.
And then the clock struck 4:20 PM. A haze of smegma and smoke drifted into my nostrils, rendering my capacities, incapacitated, yet again. I have failed you, Japanese audience-san. (*commits seppuku*)
So I just recently returned from a month-long excursion to Nippon, better known to all you philistines as “Japan”. It was a significant trip, since Japan is “what I do” (translations, sudoku, penis enlargement pills etc), but I haven’t been there in six whole years. And last time I left, it wasn’t exactly a parting to lament over… turns out 12 is NOT a consensual age in Japan, despite what the comics suggest. Learned that one the hard way, but that’s a post for another day. Bottom line being, I was banned from Japan, land of my wet-hentai-dreams, for “sixy years.” There was widespread confusion as to whether or not a ‘t’ was dropped or a ‘y’ was added on the ruling. The Japanese, or “Jap’s” are notolious for butcheling the Engrish language.
Last month marked the completion of the “sixy” year b I returned to Japan, because I’M A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN (*double snaps*) AND I LOVE THE PLACE, goddamnit.
It was a learning experience. I made a number of revelations that had only just now been revealed to me after having studied the language and culture for fifteen years. Today’s feature will be just that: shit I learned and observations and other shit. (That was actually the original name of this article.)
-SUICA – So, there’s a card you can buy at train stations called a “Suica”. It’s green and has a cute little penguin on it. Not only does this card fund your train and bus rides, you can use this thing with vending machines and to buy whatever your hungry toothless ass wants AT THE CONVENIENCE STORE!
Also, this card can get you exclusive access into uber-classy nightclub “Le Sexy” where you can watch Lee hawk cum-lugies out of her vagina, straight to Ping who catches the cum-lugie in her own vagina, before shooting it back to Mii, who… oh wait that’s Thailand. Nevermind.
-DAY AND NIGHT are like… day and night. They could not be any more unalike. You go out in the morning or the noon, and everybody is quiet and keeps to themselves. “Don’t be the nail that sticks out” is one Japanese proverb. Somewhat paradoxically, there is another which says “When night falls, BE the werewolf you wish to see in the world”. Everyone is drunk, drooling, screaming, sweating, and shedding all over each other. You’ll see shit like guys getting frisky with their female co-workers on the streets, or an old man choking a teenager by his HAIR on the train platform, or a guy needing police escorts to make a cash withdrawal from the ATM after his first attempt at making a withdrawal ended in him beating the shit out of the machine with a flurry of fists and kicks. I witnessed all of this during my trip. It stops surprising you.
-SLEEPING OPTIONS – Don’t wanna sleep at night? You don’t need to. Something is always open in Japan. (But you have to be sure to check I.D’s first, you cannot take these girls at “kooch” value)
If you DO wanna sleep, you can do it in an unconventional way: a capsule hotel (ooh la la), an internet cafe, or a fucking Denny’s. After one hard night of partying in Tokyo, I woke up on a playground, outstretched on a slide, with children sliding next to me. My first thought was:
“Man. I gotta get off the day-care circuit. These kids are wearing me out. Either these kids are immune to alcohol, or that Sake was apple juice.”
And then I surmised, “Time to move up to middle-schoolers,” which is incidentally where the aforementioned “12 year old story” begins (but again, you’re getting ahead, that will be a post for another day).
Point is, Japan is so safe, you can fall asleep anywhere and you will wake up with nothing missing… Just your dignity!
-THE LETTER ‘FU’ IS PRONOUNCED ‘HU’ – I’ve been mispronouncing this letter my whole life. One of those examples of how you could think you know a foreign language, and then you realize fifteen years later that YOU KNOW NOTHING. Very much like how I recently learned that Donald Trump was not indeed a toupee entrepreneur/ambassador, but in fact, a presidential candidate for the Republican Party.
-HEALTH ORIENTED-ness – Japanese people absolutely love being alive. They have the longest life-span on Earth to prove it. There are TV channels that show nothing except the newest medical breakthroughs and health tips. You see them old folks playing in geriatric leagues for birdie and tennis and shit. There are BLOWJOB parlors which are literally called the English word “HEALTH”. (incl. pic) I met a Japanese lady in her 60’s who plays Brain Training on her Nintendo DS everyday. She showed me her high scores. One game has you do 20 math calculations as fast as you can. Her high score is TEN SECONDS. That’s fucking astounding. When I asked her her secret, she looked at me and flashed a giant grin before proudly declaring,
“Knitting and Blow jobs.”
She reached into my pocket and placed a business card inside.
“Ichiro Health. The address is on the card. Ask for Dakei, his tongue work is unparalleled.”
I blushed, like the pussy I am, and offered embarrassed mumbles. She continued,
“I cum like Old Faithful–with regularity, and FORCE!”
She made an explosion gesture with her hands, then touched the tip of my nose ever so slightly before giggling wildly.
“Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays, have taken on a new meaning for me.” She responded with a wink.
But yeah the fact that she could do math that fast was really surprising.
-THEMED BARS/CAFES/RESTAURANTS – “A maid/robot cafe? That’s weird!” No, you’re weird. Your… FACE IS WEIRD! (*kicks dust cloud in air, disappears*) Really. If they opened a hedgehog cafe in the U.S., you don’t think people would go? You don’t think they would have to go at least once, to see what all the fuss is about? Japan offers up something unique, and it attracts a crowd. Plus, it plays into people’s deepest darkest fantasies. Haters alike will leave with a greater respect of S & M (even my sister Shannon is getting in on this!). So being able to experience that dominant role by going into a maid cafe and being called “master” is something that everyone should experience, no? See! It just makes so much sense!
What’s that? Have I ever been to a maid cafe?? FUCK no. Do I look like some sick fuck? The fuck is wrong with you?
-BULLET TRAIN – Fuck airplanes. Some day, they are gonna make the bullet train able to ride in the sky. And I’ll never go back to a plane again. This is the smoothest ride ever (apart from last night’s with your mom, of course). It goes 700 miles an hour (citation needed). There’s people walking up and down aisles selling you bento boxes and tea. The stopovers in each city are less than 2 minutes long, or one “Jap sex marathon.” Bullet train for prez.
-HANAMI – I never gave a shit about trees. Still don’t. If that shit ain’t in my pipe, I don’t give a flying fuck about it. But if I did, I’d be all gay and in love with the Sakura, the Cherry Blossom trees (catching, not pitching). To my dismay, they don’t actually grow Cherries on their branches, but they are pink and bright and for some reason last just one week before turning green again and being just another dumb fucking tree… But what a wonderful week it is! It is the only week where Japanese people can just be lazy, sorry sacks of shit and pass out at 2 PM with their own saliva all over their faces. The Japanese refer to this period, lovingly, as “Mexican week.” In fact, one of my favorite games at the Hanami festivals is “count the passed-out drunk people”… and then I pee in their mouths. Great fucking game. Yes, Hanami is something that needs to be experienced. Just keep your mouths closed, kids!
-MARI-FUWANA – I’ve always thought, “wouldn’t Japan be fun on drugs?” Sadly, drugs are super-illegal here, and I’ve never been able to obtain anything. Not even when I was a college student studying abroad. But, oh, guess what?? I’VE FINALLY DONE IT!
I HIT PUBERTY!!!
Also, I was finally able to experience Japan on drugs. I was ripping bongs with foreigners and Japanese alike, and yes, it’s as good as I envisioned it. The neon lights, the general weirdness, the fact that nobody knows shit about weed, and just assumes that your schoolgirl-like giggling and bloodshot eyes means you are “drunk”. It’s so epic.
-TABE+NOMI HOUDAI – This should be the standard for both eating and drinking. Go in, pay a set price, and all you can drink for 2 hours! It might be 20-30 bucks, but lord! Do you know how many beers I can slam in that time period? Hell, we were chugging beers for the hell of it! Because when we were out, we could just yell sumimasen! and waitress would come a-runnin’ with a new tray of drinks. One place was all you can drink AND all you could eat fried chicken for 2 hours, costing about 28 bucks a head. Name me one better deal for anything, EVER.
Of course, still nothing tops Mr. Orton’s favorite game of “What’s in my front pocket?” As this game was free, in addition to claiming whatever was in his pocket, for at least 60 minutes.
-ADVENTURES – Japan is very prone to creating adventures. You can go out on a Friday night with nothing planned, and it will almost always matriculate into a fun, wild, and random night. You will make lots of friends along the journey: sometimes you will stop to ask some girls for directions, and then you recruit them and then one of the girls is throwing up on your lap two hours later. Because Tokyo is so limited in space, they throw a bunch of cool shit in little condensed areas, which means there is a lot to discover, like a Brazilian asshole.
-ウコンの力 (UKON NO CHIKARA) – Since the discovery of Ukon no Chikara, my life will never be the same. And I can’t believe I had never heard of this shit, ever! It’s a little capsule, about the size of a “5 Hour Energy Drink”, which you drink before a night of heavy drinking. ** And you can go as heavy as you want, because when you wake up in the morning, you will have not even a SLIVER of a hangover. Yes! This technology exists!
** For the adventurous spirit, the capsule may be inserted into the rectal cavity. Can be done individually but much more effective, stimulating, with a partner. From what I have experienced, men are more adept inserting the capsule.
-COIN LOCKERS – The fact that I can bring a bag out with me, and stash it for up to 3 DAYS at a coin-operated locker next to the train stations is nothing short of brilliant. It is so practical, you wonder why it doesn’t exist elsewhere. If I’m walking around with all my shit, and that day beer becomes a second, then a third, then a 12 year old, what am I gonna do? Go home and drop my shit off before taking her to violin lessons? Now THAT’S what I call a momentum killer. I am gonna throw my shit in a safe place so I can end the night (or day) doing whatever, or whoever the fuck I want.
And that includes falling asleep on a slide on a children’s playground.
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