So I know it’s a “thing”, that you don’t talk about politics, or religion, or salary, or what you did last summer—BUT I’m gonna go ahead and piss on that ol’ taboo because I’d like to talk about politics.
Specifically, who I will be voting for today.
Drumroll please.
In the 2016 presidential election, I will be casting my vote FOR!
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ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!
Pff! What? Did you honestly believe I vote? What do I look like, a fucking idiot?
I have voted just once in my life. I went out for the pre-election, er, the electorate vote… the uh thing where you vote for who will represent the THE PRIMARY, sorry. I went out because it was the only time in my lifetime where I saw a person that was capable of bringing some REAL GODDAMN CHANGE to the American political system. And I also felt like my vote would have mattered. “It’ll be a tight one!” they said.
Although they didn’t say that. The media said almost NOTHING on the man known as Bernie. Total media blackout. It was easy to see why. This dude was calling out corruption, saying that congress was “bought”, and had laid out an actual and tangible plan to fix things, including some tweaks in the political infrastructure and the raising of taxes (*gasp*). And I was amazed because people who weren’t on board with him were saying shit like “I don’t want to pay more taxes! Fuck him!” Well, are you looking out for just yourself, or for everyone else as well? Just you? Well, you probably shouldn’t be voting then.
In the process of Bernie’s eventual loss to Hillary Rodhamburger Clinton, I saw the most shameless and overt tactics utilized by the Democratic party, AND the media, to ensure that this revolutionary old man lost, and that Hillary, the “chosen” one, would ascend. For further reference, see the leaked emails of Debbie Bitchface Schultz, or the electioneering by Bill Clinton on the day of that vote.
Bernie’s loss was heartbreaking, but I suppose it was to be expected.
But then I saw something mysterious. Something beyond belief. A week later, Bernie, the posterboy for honesty, and the natural enemy of Wall Street, was standing on stage with Hillary Clinton. They could not be more different. And worse yet,
HE WAS FUCKING ENDORSING HER.
Am I on crack? Like, what?? There was no way.
No, wait. There was a way. There was only ONE possible explanation for this:
His life was threatened. He would be killed should he not fall in line with Hillary’s campaign. Or his grandkids would be poisoned and then sold into sex trafficking. Yeah, that’s it.
And just like that, my voting career was over.
So in that time leading up to today, the ONLY day that matters, and has caused this cacophony of discourse all over my Facebook newsfeed, I’ve learned one thing.
Voting is just a big waste of time.
Oh, what… it’s not?? Oh god, does Donald Trump actually have a chance of winning? Holy fuck, I never noticed the polls! It’s so close now! Better go out and vote!
First of all, fuck the polls. Who does that represent anywho? Nobody’s surveyed me on who I’m voting for. Is it possible those polls, and those headlines, and those manufactured scandals exist purely to lead you to believe that your vote matters? Ya know, to give the illusion of choice? Is that possible? At all?
Do you think that one vote matters? Okay, well what if it DID matter, but your vote casted was flipped right before your eyes due to some sort of “glitch” in the voting machines? That would never happen, right? No?? Well then definitely do NOT watch the documentary “Hacking Democracy”.
You think that they just happened to discover a video of Trump saying “grab the pussy!” JUST in time for the debate? The debate the Clinton had all the questions for IN ADVANCE.
And what the fuck?? When did we get so sensitive? When did we all become such a bunch of pussies ourselves? I dig racial humor. Ya know why? It makes me laugh! As for “grab them by the pussy”… hell, those EXACT WORDS have probably came out of my mouth before.
But Donald Trump is Satan, so you can’t vote for him. And if you vote for him, you get deleted off people’s Facebook friend list. If you say, “ya know, I kinda like the guy,” you are a xenophobe. Or you hate women. Or you hate something lovely.
But is it possible you would vote for Donald Trump because you hate the status quo? And you thought it was ballsy of him to call out the system for being so corrupt?
If it sounds like I’m defending Donald Trump… I’m not defending shit. Out of the TWO choices for president (SO MANY CHOICES!), they both eat dicks. But if I had to see one on my TV occasionally for the next four years, then, well shit… I’d go with The Donald.
The guy is a gold mine for comedy. He says wacky shit. He’s a lunatic, and there is comedic value in that. I don’t give a flying squirrel’s flying nutsack about politics. It’s all a charade, and it has never affected my life in any way, ever. So I’d rather we have a comedian as the president than my mom wearing a pantsuit.
America is fucked either way. The question is: do you want a screeching and immediate train wreck, or a slowly sinking Titanic-like death? I’d go with the train wreck. If Trump is up there: unpredictability. War can start anytime! A CIVIL war! Change from the inside! Great!
If Clinton: war with Russia. Yawn.
Although, with the Clinton’s, I suppose anybody can die, at ANY time. Check out the “Clinton death list”. That’s pretty exciting.
But… but….I’m voting for her because she’s a WOMAN! And it’s time for a woman, goddamn! Because, history!
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather we have women in the White House that at LEAST my penis can enjoy! Who’d you rather jack off to, Ivanka and Melanoma, or Bill and Chelsea? (*vomits to death*)
I guess what I’m saying is fuck politics. But even more, fuck people who take it all too seriously. Fuck everyone who has been posting something on their Facebook and their Instagrams and My Space condoning these two wannabe figureheads for being MONSTERS or CRIMINALS or MEGALOMANIACS or BIG WORDS. Fuck em both! Fuck everyone! Fuck America! We’re all fucked!
Hip hop is dead.
And now, so is America.
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