–Ben Stiller Hi, I have a famous dad, and my specialty is “being in awkward situations.” In one of my more popular movies, I was out-acted by a fucking ferret. (“Along Came Polly”) Listen, “There’s Something about Mary” and “Meet the Parents”, both good movies. But those movies are funny because of the writing. The situations Benny Boy gets himself into: cum sticking to ear, getting his nut stuck in the jean zipper, having the last name Focker; anyone could have been in that role and it would have been funny. Roles where Ben Stiller actually has to act? Act!? Well let’s just say he’s no “Sir Ben” (Kingsley). It’s always just Ben Stiller, except he’s wearing a different outfit. In “Dodgeball”, he had a moustache and was a villain… but it was clearly still just Ben Stiller. In “Zoolander”, he had some wacky psuedo-gay retard boy outfit on. But it was him there all along! Same with his co-star, Owen Wilson. Speaking of that shit-sandwich…
–Owen Wilson His acting is atrocious. Will somebody just break this guy’s nose? Oh wait, someone already did. Check that, 317 people already beat me to the punch…
Johnny Depp Don’t get me wrong, I love his earlier stuff just as much as the next homo/metro/hetero. But what the fuck kind of parasite crawled itself into this dude’s brain and spawned? Seriously, how could such a talented actor with such an impressive body (of work) EVER sign on to make the film “Mordecai”? Let me take you back. The date was June 1st. I’m not sure what year it was.
It was my last day in Peru and life was great. My crazy friends sent me off with the only way they knew how, IN UTTER FUCKING CRAZINESS. In my final hour, we got drunk, casually munched some molly, and blazed four fat joints before heading to the station. I decided to splurge and bought the first class ticket for the ride back to Lima. Fitted with a luxurious 180 degree reclining seat, AC, no seat partner, and a buzz that would make a bumblebee blush, I was all set-up for one gnarly bus journey. I imagined floating into Lima on clouds in a sea of cosmic bliss—but what I got was closer to one of Dante’s outer layers of hell. The movie on the bus, shown throughout the entire cabin, was none other than motherfucking “Mordecai”. Despite sitting with a full house in my hand, higher than Mick Jagger after a weekend at David Bowie’s beach house, I wanted to SCRATCH MY EYES OUT watching that disgusting excuse of a movie.
This was indeed, the fitting swan song to a shitty actor’s long overdue death. R.I.P. Johnny Depp. At least you gave us “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, and the one where you played the gay pirate.
(Wait. He’s not dead? Are you sure?)
–Jack Black Hey! I’m the cool, guitar-wielding teacher for little idiot children, or the guitar-wielding half of the world’s worst acoustic guitar duo, or the guitar-wielding guy in “Goosebumps”. (I didn’t actually see Goosebumps, I just assumed he has a guitar in it, like in all of his roles). A dude who tries really hard to be cool, but seems like that rapey uncle who shows up at the family reunions and watches the whole reunion from the parking lot, whilst hiding behind tinted windows of his pedo-van. And yes, I am implying that he is a pedophile. And no I have no experience of getting into the back of Uncle Jared’s white ‘rapemobile’ in the hopes of those Sour Patch Kids that I was promised and damn well deserved! In case you were wondering…
–Ryan Reynolds No, I didn’t see “Deadpool”, quit asking me. Why? Because it has Ryan Reynolds in it. I don’t give him chances anymore. He was already in a superhero movie: “The Giant Shit Dribble” (known in some circles as “The Green Lantern”.) It was a seven foot tall piece of hot, piping, dribbly rhino dung. Why would I give him a second chance after he already wasted two hours of my life on one, literally shitty superhero movie? I saw nothing in the first that told me he could be a viable superhero under any circumstances, unless that superhero movie was based around the premise of Ryan Reynolds being a walking, talking, giant pile of turd (….in which case I might actually watch that shit). And not to mention the rest of his movie biography, which stinks like piss. “Just Friends”? Oh god. They gave him a fat suit. Now, if you wear a fat suit and you are funny on top of that (a la “The Nutty Professor”), you’ll be just fine. But if the fat suit is the whole joke, may the bodhisattva Krishna have mercy on your soul. Because what happens then is, you may chuckle the first time the actor appears in a fat suit, but will quickly tire of it and want to strangle it’s throat to a slow, dark, miserable death… just like Honey-Boo-Boo’s mom “Deborah Lard-Nuggets”. A fat suit cannot carry a film on its back—this isn’t 1996 anymore, fuck.
I guess what I am trying to say is Ryan Reynolds is a slithering space nazi. A giant, no-talent hack—crusty asteroid fodder that made a deal with the devil in order to be incarnated into human form (to put it politely). Normally when people make deals with the devil, they are savants—yet all Mr. Reynolds has is a shit-stained mug to show for it. Literally.
–That fucking guy from Arrested Development First of all, Arrested Development is not funny. I know I just triggered a domino effect of cerebral explosions with that comment, but really; I gave it a chance. I watched three episodes and did not laugh once. But the guy from this show, who goes by the name of “Jason Bateman” apparently, branched off from this show into having a full-fledged movie career. Which was super illustrious.
Except the opposite.
He did a movie with Ryan “Rhino Dung” Reynolds for Christ’s sake! Where they switch bodies. Who in their right mind would want to switch bodies with either of these cockmonglers!? If he switched bodies with, let’s say, Nicholas Cage, well, fuck me sideways; we might have had a movie there.
Wait, we did have a movie like that! It was called “Face/Off”. Nick Cage swaps bodies with John Travolta, and hilarity ensues. Nick Cage goes nuts, as you would assume. Because Nick Cage always goes nuts. Psycho Nick Cage is the highest echelon of entertainment. If you wanna see some completely flabbergasting acting watch “Vampire’s Kiss”. Don’t forget the lotion and kleenex.
–Kevin Hart When your gimmick is “small frantic black man with a high voice and a obtusely large mouth”, you should probably just kill yourself. (Chris Tucker also had high voice but was FUNNY) What did he just make, “Ride Along 2”? Who the fuck asked for that? And now they’ve swapped out the Ice Cube for The Rock and made the exact same movie, “Central Intelligence”. Buddy. Why? Are you that desperate for a paycheck that you want to star exclusively in bad movies? Don’t you care about your legacy? Your family’s good name!? WHY!????
-Matthew McConaughey Let me predict his character for literally any movie he is in: he is gonna be playing some slow-talking sweaty dude with a who sounds like a borderline-retard, with a Southern accent and a bad haircut. GO BACK TO TEXAS, OR ALABAMA, OR WHATEVER CAVERN YOU CRAWLED OUT OF. You are not cool. (Except for that one time you were found playing the bongos, naked, high as a kite on mushrooms. That was pretty dope.) But other than that, you have blown cosmic dick.
And STAY OUT OF MY CAR COMMERCIALS, with your fancy suit and watch! I watch those commercials FOR THE CARS! Not homo-sapiens!
-Melissa McCarthy How did a bitch this fat slip into an industry so big? The only thing she has ever “slipped” into was Randy’s Donuts over on 23rd and Main, once they updated their safety code to allow for handicap accessible entry, and even that was pushing it. No, literally, they had to turn her horizontally, open up both of the double doors, then push her in for the entry to work. Somebody tell me what else is she good at, other than shoveling maple bars with chocolate sprinkles into that fat fucking mouth?? Bitch can’t even ride a moped! I’m sure you saw that, in the trailer for that movie “Spy”, where she tries to sit on a moped and the thing literally explodes under her weight, and then the seat gets stuck in her ass and they have to surgically remove it from her colon. And then the movie ends. I think. At least, that’s how I imagine it.
-Mark Wahlberg What’s up bro? You gotta problem? I’m from Bawston. I’ll fuck you up, whoever you ahh’. Small elderly Vietnamese man? I’ll fuck you up bro. I’ll beat ya so hard you go blind in one eye!
Why is Mark always so angry? Oh right…because it’s the easiest emotion to display. Seriously his range of visual emotion is on par with Stephen Hawking. Why, despite whatever role he is supposed to be playing, does he default and instantly become that hotheaded muscular guy from Boston? Could it be that he is re-asserting his rap career in front of the camera? Oh what, you don’t remember “The Funky Bunch”??
Adam Sandler & F.A.G.S (Fictitious Actors Guild who Suck) Zohan, Paul Blart, Joe Dirt, Deuce Bigelow; what a crew. As a rule, if you are friends with Adam Sandler, you get your own movie; that’s just how it works. Adam Sandler has the funds and pull in Hollywood to create literally any shitty movie he wants; he is one of the highest grossing global actors of all-time. Think about that for a second: Adam… Sandler! The guy from SNL who does those weird little Jewish voices. He now has a big exclusivity deal with Netflix. I mean, when is the last time this man made a good movie? 1998? What about ANYONE IN HIS CREW!? Have they EVER made a good movie?
Let’s break it down, f.a.g by f.a.g…Where do we even begin? How about that creepy fuck in the corner hitting on the lamp shade, ROB SCHNEIDER. To be perfectly honest, even coming grips to the fact that this is a household name is fucking embarrassing. This guy’s acting “pinnacle” would, I guess, be during the mid 90’s during SNL’s heydays. Powered not by his own abilities, but of his all-star costars and world-class writing, Rob Schneider been riding these coat-tails, or should I say end-trails, for 20+ years. The dude has made us laugh on an occasion or two, but to land consistent acting roles is downright baffling. And I don’t mean Uncle Pete’s home video basement plays, we’re talking Hollywood feature films. How this man found work after “The Hot Chick” is sad commentary on the state of affairs of our once great nation.
Won’t take long before you notice the decaying whale corpse that is Kevin James. Is there anything this guy is good at— other than being morbidly obese and blowing massive dick at acting? No? OK, that’s fine, but how does that make him one of the highest grossing actors in the last 5 years? What does that say about our society? To me, this is an issue more alarming, more pressing than global warming.
Since, here at Explicit Exploits we pride ourselves on honesty, it is only right we call a spade a spade and include David Spade. What’s there to say about a man who has been feasting on a 22 year old obese carcass? Other than the fact that my man has literally been reheating Chris Farley’s crusty, rotten, shit, then regurgitating it in front of millions worldwide, claiming it’s his own for more than two decades? Do we even want to talk about the rat pubes they cloned, then surgically inserted into his scalp? Wait, that’s a toupee? Good Christ…. somebody needs to be fired (then curb stomped).
The Adam Sandler gang. ISIS. Who’s the real terrorist organization here?
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