Hal-lo, mighty comrade. I am Vladamir. Your tour guide to Ukraine. Let me tell you about land of Hundred Heavenly Heroes. This title refers to those who were killed in protest 5 years ago, people like you and me, killed for standing up for belief. They bring our country great pride and adoration. Sometimes our country also bring tourism of the sex, as they say.
Our capital is Kiev. Kiev is beautiful, very pride point for us Ukranians. Do not be put off by our usage of Russian language. Yes, we all understand it, and many consider it their, how to say, first language. This is because Kiev is in middle of the country. There are people on Eastern part of the country that do not learn Ukranian even. They are so close to Russia and they love to get fucked by Russia in their mouths, as well as their ass. Russia is so big, and we are a humble little country, what are we to do?
There is big discreditency in—discrepancy?—how people live here. Yes, there is rich upper class that exist, but most of us are struggle, with wages, with way of living. You are American, no? Let me explain this in terms easy to understand: average salary for employee in Ukraine is 250 USD. And this is for girl working at coffee shop in Kiev. Would you like to know how much teacher make? 3000 hryvnias. I’m sorry—100 USD per month. A doctor make 150 US dollar, but this is doctor in free clinic. But so you know, if you are going to free clinic, maybe you die soon. If you can’t afford price of private clinic, private doctor, then you should say the prayers to Saint Volodymyr. You will have less time to live than a bottle of vodka in hands of Russian, as we often say.
You may have heard about the women in our great land, and I am here to assure you that women are… ehhh how you say, worthy of your sex glands. Women here so beautiful, you forget about struggle, problems in outside world. Tall, feminine features, full of energy, and blue eyes that will pierce through your skin like armor of Ukranian tank. This is joke, Ukranian tank is actually very old now, brittle and broken from years of inactivity. Just today, I was in street, talking with man… well he is more like child… but he has been in Kiev for just four days. The name of this man-child is Darby. We are outside, in city center, carrying on a conversation, when a girl walks over and asks Darby for a Легше. She is holding a cigarette. Darby says, “Uh… a lighter?” and this girl gives a shake of her head, up and down like so. Darby has a lighter, but as he searches in his bag, he is suddenly awkward in his motion. His language of the body changes. He manages to light cigarette for girl and says something about her having fun with her cigarette, before she walks away. Then Darby looks at me and mumble under breath, “That was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my whole life.” Point of story is this girl is just average street walker in our country. But you see effect women have on foreign men who come here.
Now in April, when many countries are out celebrating start of spring season, we still have to endure cold temperature, strong winds, occasional snowfall. At end of May, weather gets warm, people wearing less, how do you say, layers of clothes. You may even see fully nude girl modeling in middle of street. Of course there are several celebrations and festivals to show this. This next weekend in Kiev there is coffee festival, which will bring visitors from all over Europe. However there is also presidential vote during weekend too. Last time we had vote, people were on streets, demanding justice, protesting, getting shot. If we can have less people shot than last election, it will be considered great success. Unless current president wins election again. Poroshenko is puppet of Putin. If he stays in president seat, we will continue to be fucked in ass by Russia. Candidate from other side is Zelenskiy, and he is loved by many. He put smiles on faces of many Ukranians for years working as comedian. Have you heard of comedian becoming president? Of course you have. You elected Mr. Donald Trump as president, he is very funny comedian. You must excuse me for discussing politics, this is not my intention. I wanted to talk about alcohol parties, not political parties. I will end with this fact: Ukraine has 24 hour open pubs in many places. Also, Ukranian people love karaoke.
So now this is end of our tour of Ukraine. I must leave you with some room for your imagination. Please come and visit our humble country. There is more than just sex waiting for you here. There is chicken kiev food as well, which maybe you have tried in your own country. And if you don’t like the chicken kiev, then yes: there is so much sex that await you here in Ukraine. Do pobachen’a.
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