Blame Canada

I just returned from Canada and wow,

CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW RUDE THOSE CANADIANS ARE??

I sneezed on a bus and nobody said, “Bless you!”

That’s the last time I go back to the land of too many trees and maple syrup, eh?

Oh great–now I’m even talking like them.

Sorry.

AND NOW I’M APOLOGIZING FOR THINGS I SHOULDN’T BE APOLOGIZING FOR.

Well, regardless of how RUDE those mother Canucks were, I can’t deny that I had an awesome experience.

Some things I did over there (in list format):

-Ate POUTINE, the French-Canadian invention that is composed of French Fries topped with gravy and egg bits and cheese–and just for the hell of it, I poured maple syrup on top and it WASN’T EVEN BAD!

-Went to several afters hours parties. This is what happens in cities where the bars close early, like at 2 AM. There is a thriving afters hours scene in Toronto. In addition, the bars that close at 2 AM don’t actually throw you out at 2, you can linger and finish your last beer/hit on the bartender/whatevs. The afters I went to on Halloween and two days later was unlike one I had ever seen, not in LA or elsewhere: 1. They had a live BAND playing (crazy to see at 5/6 AM), and 2. YOU COULD DO DRUGS ON TOP OF THE TABLES, BLATANT AS FUCK!

-Due in part largely to the fact that there was always something going on, I slept a grand total of 8 hours from Thursday morning to Sunday night. No regrets, sleep is for the weak

-Met a ton of Japanese people. Well, there are a fuckton of Asians in Toronto. And Muslims. And… goddamn that city is DIVERSE. I had to really watch my racist jokes ove there. But back to the Japanese people, I went to my hero, Japanese legendary baseball player Munenori Kawasaki’s favorite ramen restaurant and the owner, Kota, and I chopped it up in Japanese and he started pouring free shots for everyone. As a fan of Japanese culture, food, and porno, I think this would be a terrific city to live in and get my fix

-Reunited with old friends. A Japanese guy I met at an Iowa baseball game THREE years ago, a Colombian dude I met in Bogota SIX years ago, and a Canadian dude I met in Vietnam NINE years ago. Oh, and the Colombian dude is now a Colombian chick… and she bumped into my Canadian friend at a party randomly once and they made out. And then they found out they both knew me. How’s that for coincidences?? And since I know you’re about to ask: she was a dude and now she’s a lady? How’s that work? Well…

-My gay friend from Colombia had a sex change (because you can do that these days) and now she’s a lovely women, and I hung out with her and her gang of other men->women, and they are out of control. I’ve hung out with herds of gay people before, but I gotta say, the trans-women are more fun and more unpredictable. They call each other “bitch” relentlessly and who doesn’t love a woman (natural or by design) calling another woman a bitch? Oh, and because this bears mentioning: said friend who became a woman did so after she heard me talking about my experience in Thailand, and how they have ladyboys over there livin’ all happy and proud. After I planted that idea in her head, she got the idea and courage to go ahead with it and make the transformation. In other words:

I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE GETTING A SEX CHANGE!

-And then for the rest of the fine accomplishment during this trips: I taught a dog how to spin in circles

-Dressed up as GHET-to red riding hood on Halloween

-Took my pants off and got on top of a Ruski. (Took my pants off under her as well)

-Drank copious amounts of Molson beer

-Flew there, took a pair of Greyhound buses home. One 6 hour bus from Toronto to Detroit, one 6 hour bus from Detroit to Chicago. This was done as a kind of test, as I had heard so many people shitting all over Greyhound, America’s oldest cross-country bus system, but I am happy to report it was a terrific experience. Cheap, lots of legroom, stops every 2 hours, warm, and crossing the Canada/US border wasn’t even that bad. Recommended.

I also filmed a lot of this trip, so now that I have all of this footage under my wing, it’s time to start making videos! The YouTube channel is coming people!

Last thing: Canada was the 15th new country I went to this year. That is quite the accomplishment if I may say so myself. Don’t think it’ll happen again, and it was quite exhausting, but it was a hell of an adventure. Thanks to all who made it possible.

[Ahem ahem]–ME!