YOGA – Oh, look at me! In this uncomfortably WEIRD ass body position, with my ass out and my right toe in my ear! I’m so FLEXIBLE! Oh yeah? Well I say WHO GIVES A DAMN! That’s what I say!
If you go to the gym, at least you see results! You see muscle growth, and development, and veins in your arms. If you go to yoga, you end up looking like a meth-head! Not a healthy look!
Also, what’s up with the names for yoga positions? They all have the most asinine names, like “Salute the Sun,” or “Butterfly in the Wind,” or “Downward Facing Doggy-Style.” What’s up with that?? It’s almost like the guy that started yoga was a huge pervert or something!
Oh wait, he was??
https://nypost.com/2013/03/21/bikram-yoga-founder-accused-of-sex-harassment-by-former-protege/
No surprise there!
BINGE-WATCHING – Hey honey! What do you wanna do tonight? Oh, I know! Let’s sit on the couch and watch 63 straight episodes of some show about a detective who—get this—is also secretly a serial killer!
Yeah, how about we NOT?
How about you get your potato-ankled ass up and off that ratty orange couch and go and CONTRIBUTE something to the world, instead of being such a lifeless, deadbeat consumerist?? It’s because people like YOU we have 26 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, that MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore, and the airwaves are clogged with such soulless dreck like Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo.
And by the way, why does ANY show have to be THAT LONG in the first place? “Aww, but—but it HAS to be that long… so they can tell the full story!” Oh yeah? Well full story MY ASS! If you can’t tell me a story in under 2 hours, get fucked!
If you guys want something that’ll scratch that storytelling fix, that is entertaining as all hell, and has a NEW episode every WEEK, might I suggest professional wrestling? The spectacle, the humor, the outrageousness; it’s got everything!
BEING PATRIOTIC – Ohhhhh, HEY! Look! I was BORN here! This is my HOME! I will defend it, because that’s what a good patriot does, right!??
Bitch, you being born ANYWHERE is a product of chance, not of talent. You could’ve just as easily been born in North Korea! Or even worse: Switzerland!
How about you be proud about something you DO have control over, like, I don’t know… “being good at karaoke”? That’s what I’m the most proud of! And don’t say that’s “weird” until you’ve actually heard me sing!
Because THEN you’ll see what weird TRULY IS!!!
EATING DESERTS – GIRL, I don’t know bout you, but I just can’t get enough of that DOUBLE FUDGE TRACKS ice cream! MMM! Last night, I ate a whole TUB of it! I’m a naughty girl!
No, you’re a STUPID HORSE. You just ate 400x times the recommended daily dose of sugar. But good job lacking any type of discipline whatsoever! Go get those DOUBLE FUDGE TRACKS!
HAVING SEX – Listen, it’s not that sticking my dingus in a wet, soft, and squishy genital cavern isn’t stimulating—it’s that everything required to GET to that point is completely NOT worth it, not at all! Sushi dates, girlfriend-maintenance, therapy, buying gifts, burying a hooker—no thanks! I’m good.
From this date forward, I vow only to sleep with girls that throw themselves AT me! Needless to say, I’m having significantly less sex these days! (I’m down to just 2-3 nights per week!)
GAMBLING – oh my GOD THIS RUSH I get, thinking that I’ll actually WIN SO MUCH MONEY by some infinitesimally small chance and be RICH! And get to hang out with all the other rich guys, like Jeff Bezos, and Elon Musk, and Jeffery Epstein!
Let me tell you… I hung out when I was with Jeffery when I was young… very, very young…. and it’s not that great! Completely overrated!
GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB : This one, well, can’t really speak from experience. I’ve never been to a proper, “stretch-mark pock-marked booty fat clapping in my face” strip club before. Closest I ever came was attending Asian Pornstar Night at a topless bar (Score’s) in Los Angeles… and well, if you wanna get technical, you could probably include my numerous trips to Thai “ping-pong shows.”
But let’s be honest! Is there EVER a reason why you’d want to blow your money on seeing a naked woman prancing around on stage, clearly against her will, in an effort to repent/make up for the bad mistakes she made immediately upon dropping out of high school? Is any of this supposed to give me a boner? A boner that I am unable to act upon without being beaten up by security? Sorry, did the advent of “internet pornography” somehow fail to fill this need for people? What is wrong with these sociopaths that find this an acceptable form of entertainment?
OH BIG DONNY IS GETTING MARRIED! WE’RE TAKING HIM TO THE STRIP CLUB!
Hey, Big Don! Your friends are uncreative asshats, and you deserve to be miserable, trapped in a miserable marriage your whole life! Pick better friends, and make better decisions; you’re no different from that skankity skank desperately trying to solicit “private VIP dances” in some hidden room in the back, the one with the sticky floor! Icky!
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HELLO! HOW’S IT GOING OUT THERE??