-When you go to a bar and the bartender is running around sweating, trying to get everyone’s drinks, and you are doing backflips and shooting flares off trying to get his attention, and then he spots you and you throw your phone in the air and be like, “DO YOU HAVE CHARGER FOR iPHONE 4L??”—you are an asshole. The bartender hates you. The customers hate you. Your date hates you. What the fuck are you trying to charge your phone for during a date anyways? Leave your fucking phone at home.
-I was on the train the other day, during rush hour, and the closest ELEVEN people to me all had their eyes glued to their phones. I didn’t see any of them look up even once. Think about that. Are we that oblivious to our surroundings? There’s a crackhead with a pink sock puppet over his penis speaking an Alien language…and nobody is looking at him except for me. I have to assume that pickpockets are making a killing these days. Hell, I could jump into someone’s pocket and build a canoe in there—nobody will even notice me.
-Do you REALLY need the internet following you around all day? Do you need it at all times?? Can’t you wait to check that shit when you get home? Like, remember when you were little and you’d be playing video games and your parents were like, “GO OUTSIDE YOU LITTLE FAGGOT,” and toss you out on your ass? And then you would be forced to go to the arcade to get your video game fix? And then you’d meet a guy playing Mortal Kombat 2 who said there was a way to unlock some super secret character but you had never actually seen it done and you would theorize with all your friends the existence of that secret character until it took on mythological proportions and ultimately lay forever shrouded in mystery? You can’t do that anymore. There are no secrets anymore. The internet has RUINED EVERYTHING
-When you lose your phone now, well, you are really fucked. You didn’t just lose a little device capable of contacting people…you lost all of your e-mails, your music, your dick picks—your whole damn LIFE. And if you’ve never lost a phone (you will), you must have surely damaged it. Have you ever seen a non-shattered iPhone? I haven’t. Them shits was made to break. Numerous times. Then you get it fixed, and two weeks later you get a little “tipsy” and whoops! Phone fell into the toilet! More money! This thing is a fucking black hole for your wallet
-CELL. PHONE. CONTRACTS… Verizon! AT&T! T-Mobile! Satan is real, you guys! And he steals your soul in the form of cell phone plans. In Southeast Asia, South America, and probably everywhere else in the fucking world, you get yourself a Sim card, load money onto it (4 bucks a month in Vietnam), and you are good—for a MONTH! When I got back to the U.S. I started hearing these terms like “data plan” and shit like this. Guess what? You are being RAPED. In addition to Comcast and the other internet telecom companies that are already raping you (with no lube). Let me ask you this: do these contracts somehow help you? Is that headache of paying a monthly, overcharged fee worth it just so you can have a shiny “new” phone (that is going to be obsolete in a year anyways)? For me, no. Fuck no. I feel like that is all-too-obvious of an answer. But for all you assholes with your beaks pointed at your phones on the train, in the street, and everywhere else, uhhhh, apparently not!??
-I don’t WANT to be reached at any time. I am not a doctor on a 24/7 house call for pregnant women. Sometimes I wanna be low key. How can I be a ninja if, when I’m sneaking up to behead someone, my phone makes a loud, gay beep and my target notices me hiding in the tree and runs off. The operation is blown! During my recent 7 months stint without any phone (*gasp*), people would constantly get mad at me because “they couldn’t reach me.” No motherfucker; you couldn’t reach me at the exact moment you wanted. I am available through other means, like E-MAIL. Me having a phone so YOU can reach ME means that I only have a phone for OTHER people’s convenience, not mine.
In closing, I ask thee: do we hate real life that much? Are we that much scared of silence? Of being away from humanity for more than a few minutes? Is that little flat screen not a superficial gateway to the world, or do I have it all wrong. That screen, to me, is something flat. It has some cool tricks. But it is not life. Yet, people treat it so. I worry. This is the year that the Oculus Rift, and many other pieces of virtual reality equipment will finally break into pop culture. If we can’t distance ourselves from a phone, then what the fuck is going to happen when we wear that phone on our face??
One Comment
Really fucking great