Do you know how long tomatoes take you to get out of your hair? Three days. For THREE DAYS I had those goddamn tomatoes in my hair. In adition to the other places I was putting them. Hint: it’s in my ass.
Why were there were tomatoes in my hair, you ask? Obviously I’m a comedian in the Medieval Ages, and people express their disapproval for my act by throwing vegetables at me…
NO you retard, it’s because I went to La Tomatina, the biggest food fight in the world! As the name would imply, everyone is throwing tomatinas at each other, and you know those tomatinas REALLY HURT when they hit your head.
I had not been expecting this—I thought tomatoes (actually called tomates in Spanish) to be a soft and juicy thing, a “fruit” if you will. And don’t even try telling me that it IS a fruit—who the fuck goes around biting into raw tomatos?
The first tomato that hit me was actually thrown by a child and it was a surprise attack that caught me off guard. I survived that one pretty much fully intact. The second tomato that I got hit by was a fucking rocket mortar missile to my head and that’s when I said holy shit these things are lethal.
There were also these green tomatoes that were extra durable and were harder to break so if you got hit by one of those it was like, “sheeeyat negro.”
But I guess that was to be expected. Because the only thing I expected there was: the unexpected. I had no idea what the streets would look like, what the town of Buñol would look like, where the tomatoes would originate from, how long the food fight would last (turns out an hour is actually TOO LONG), or anything else that most attendees know damn well before they take a 5 hour bus there from Barcelona.
The only thing I knew was that I was going to get dirty. And that I would want to highlight this by wearing all white. To give a better visual. Visual for who? Well, for the camera, of course.
Yes, this is the official announcement: I and an elite team of special operative(s) are staring:
A YouTube channel
(Available exclusively on Tidal)
The Tomatina, and all of its tomato-throwing lunacy, wasn’t just an event I partook on; it was an event I captured on film. That’s why I’m going to remain tight lipped about the event here. Because you’ll be able to SEE it all on video. It will be the launching video (pun alert) for my/our/your new favorite Youtube channel.
So far, it’s just two of us involved in the channel, and we will alternate between being behind the camera and being in front of it. Although we all know that that’s not true; with my fervor for being a attention-whore, I’ll probably be on-screen upwards of 85% of the time. There is going to be a slew of other people making creative contributions too. Some of them know it already, and some of them don’t.
Season One (however this works out) will be primarily set in Europe. So if you live somewhere over there and you fancy yourself as interesting, perhaps we’ll come visit you and interview you. If you aren’t interesting, but live in an interesting place, we’ll interview you anyways and tell you the video will be online “within weeks,” but as time passes and I don’t return your calls, hopefully you get the hint that I just used you just to film in your country, and you should stop being such a boring individual.
I’m not going to reveal everything here, but I can promise you a trailer for the channel soon. When? Well, sometime in 2019. And the trailer is going to end in bold typeface that says “2020” as that BRAAAAAHM chord from Inception plays in the background.
And then in 2020? You’ll have a new favorite Youtube channel. And it will be called:
Oh fuck—I haven’t even thought of a name yet!
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