Preparing you for your Trip to Colombia

are you planning a trip to colombia soon?  come!  enjoy yourself.  but know that you might be leaving home in a body bag… just kidding.  (they’ll just dump your body in the river instead.)  here’s a few things to expect once you arrive.  prepare your buttholes.

-milk is sold in bags.  BAGS!  and when you put it in your fridge, it squirts all over the place.  it’ll leave you looking like the latest r. kelly victim

-toilets:  first of all, there’s never toilet paper in the public bathrooms.  bathrooms that you pay 700 pesos for using.  and if for some reason you do have toilet paper, watch out!  because YOU CAN’T FLUSH TOILET PAPER DOWN THE TOILET IN COLOMBIA.  you’re supposed to put your little poopy papers in a waste basket next to the toilet.  and boy, doesn’t that smell/look great!  and if you somehow did manage to bring your own roll of toilet paper, you’re STILL fucked, because the toilets don’t have toilet SEATS EITHER!  where the fuck am i supposed to sit?  do i poop in front of the toilet?  do i poop in the sink?!!

-people on the bus NEVER SCOOT OVER.  even during rush hour, when it gets so crowded that people are literally sitting on each others heads, people are completely inept at moving from the aisle seat to the empty window seat.  and then you have to climb over that person like a goddamn orangutan for a seat!  i am NOT an orangutan!  I AM A SILVERBACK APE DAMNIT

-trying to save money?  better buy that 24 pack of beer instead of the twelver.  because that’s a better deal.  right?  right??  WRONG.   buying more of something does not save you more money.  ordering the hamburger, fries, and soda separately is cheaper than the combo meal!  they punish you for buying more of their product!

-the same product will not cost the same thing at any two places.  it doesn’t matter if it’s peanuts being sold at the same convenient store chain, two blocks apart from one another.  they’ll cost 600 pesos at one, and 650 at the other.  why?  because fuck you, that’s why.

-if you get offended when black people call each other niggas, then boy you’re gonna have a field day here.  in colombian spanish, the term of endearment is the word marica.  and yes, it means “faggot.”  a word expressing love and compassion for someone person you consider a true friend.  or a faggot.

–¡Qué pena!   you will hear this phrase at least fourteen times a day.  it translates into “what a shame,” but it gets used for everything.  i used to think that everybody here was just a colossal douche, because when someone steps on your shoe and says “oh my, what a shame”, it sounds sarcastic as fuck.  but now i fully understand and appreciate it’s ingenuity and use it to get out of any tight situation.  did i get your daughter pregnant again?  qué pena marica!

-do you like waiting?  colombia does.  colombia embraces it wholeheartedly.  there are lines for everything.  even things there shouldn’t be a line for.  like a line to use the stairs.  a line to use the pool.  there are even lines to get in line!

-colombia is one big country, but really, it should be like 5 or 6.  everyone’s so proud to be colombian, but once you start breaking it down by regions, everyone hates each other.  the paisas in medellin?  fuck those guys.  those rolos in bogota?  those costenos on the coast?  fuck them too.  fuck everyone that’s not from where you are from.  because they are from another place, and that shit is not okay.

–aguardiente.  now, if you’ve ever drank this stuff, you’ve already projectile vomited all over the computer screen at the mere mention of it’s name.  if you haven’t, this is your warning: don’t be lulled in.  just because it contains alcohol, and all of the colombianos drink it, does NOT mean your lips ever need to touch a box of this stuff…  wait a minute.  this is sold by the carton.  and milk is sold by the bag.  oh my god IT’S A CONSPIRACY

-women: let me confirm this right now.  yes.  it is 100% true what they say:

shakira is a midget.

(but goddamn, she is one hot midget.)

despite my shakira shrine in the back of my closet, which i spend seven hours a day kneeling in front of and worshiping, i still find time to observe, and occasionally even interact with the ladies here.  i can safely say that colombian women are the real deal.  fiery, fierce, fashionable, and a take no shit attitude.  you don’t come here to deflower a high volume of the population.  for that?  try vietnam.  here, YOU are the one who gets deflowered.  these women will make a man out of you.  and really, once you experience colombian women, there’s NO going back.  to men.  or animals.  or other women, if you’re into that kinda thing.

-food: i hope you like empanadas.  these little deep-fried thangs come stuffed with meat and cheese and will constitute at least half of your diet.  they are everywhere.  you have no choice but to eat them, or you are viewed as an outcast in society’s harsh condescending eyes.  and then you have to eat discarded cocaine bags of the street.  the fruit though?  ooooh mamacita!  there’s at least 8,000 different kinds here.  in fact, there is so much fruit in colombia, they just stopped giving a fuck and starting naming them insane shit like “guanabana” and “granadilla” and “enrique iglesias”… to cite a few

-getting around in this country is mortifying endeavor.  whether you be on your feet, on a bike, in a bus, on a moose, or riding in a rainbow-colored sailboat, you will find yourself frequently stopped and looking on helplessly at the one person who, for no apparent reason, forgot how to put their body in motion and causes total disarray amongst a sea of other pedestrians.  i have inadvertently trampled pregnant people for the fact that they walk like the baby in their stomach is a balloon filled with helium, bouncing around walls and shit.  my personal first requirement for someone being able to have a baby: learn how to fucking walk

–pico y placa is the strange rule that dictates this…  depending on the last digit of your license plate, whether it is an odd or even number, you can not drive your car on odd or even days on the calendar.  so basically, you can only drive your car on major city roads 3 or 4 days a week.  and this is all to drive a car that cost you five times more than what you would pay for one back in the states.  hmm… better buy a car!

-there’s a lot of street entertainers (read: junkies) that try to make cash with certain gimmicks they perform in front of cars at red lights, things like juggling swords, riding a unicycle, fucking TIGHTROPE walking between the two street lights at the intersection… my personal favorites are the crackheads who get on the bus, sometimes still high off their fucking asses, and initiate their act with a “buenos dias” to all those seated.  and then everyone on the bus replies back, “buenos dias” like it isn’t obvious that ol’ Crackey is trying to swindle you for your cash.  i’ve seen the shittiest rappers of all time put on the worst performance ever, and they still reap coins from everyone seated on the bus.  colombians love supporting crack addictions, apparently.  oh, and this would be the right time to mention something i witnessed once on the bus: a guy smoking crack.  RIGHT NEXT TO ME

-if you’re short on cash when you’re buying something, you can actually tell the clerk “i’ll hit you back later son” and he’ll usually let you get away with not paying in full.  and then?  you just never go back to that store again!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA

-take a walk, look around, and i promise you it won’t take long to find A.  a couple making out, or B. someone crying in public.  the two biggest public phenomenons in colombia.  and the thing is, if you’re like me, and you see someone crying, you start to cry too.   crying is contagious.  and if you’re like me also, when you see a couple getting frisky with their tongues or engaged in some heavy petting, you hump the closest thing/person/tree you can get your trousers on… or what, you don’t do that?  moving on.

-there’s a system here called “minutos” where vendors on street corners will rent you a cell phone (by the minute) at low low rates to call whoever you please.  in the age of “smart” phones with dumb battery lives, this is a life saver.  once, i was late for a conference call with the president of uruguay and things were looking bleak.  and then boom, minutos.  not only did i manage to save the entire uruguayan economy, i put lindsay lohan in jail AND averted a nuclear missle strike by north korea… with one phone call!  and my mother said i’d never amount to nothing!

-chances are, based on your limited knowledge of colombia, one of the three things you know about this country is DRUGS.  pablo escobar!  cocaine!  licking a hooker’s nitrogen stuffed butthole!  yes, drugs are here in abundance, and are super available.  you can buy a bag of coke over the counter of the bar for only 5 bucks.  it’s literally cheaper to get coked up than to get drunk.  so prepare your nose, because that shit is falling straight off.  along with your penis.  well, it might as well be.  ever tried to get a boner on cocaine?  coke will SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN

-ever had hot steamy sex with a donkey?  colombia has.  yes, this is a real thing here, and lots of kids in the coastal regions like to have their first lovemaking session with a burro.  hey, i can’t judge!  my first time was with a burrito

-lots of people have boyfriends and girlfriends, and lots of people choose to selectively forget that.  infidelity is everywhere.  cheating on your girlfriend is expected.  you can have your cake and eat it too.  and then sperm all over that cake.

-although there are lots of FUN drugs here, colombia is also home to the absolute scariest drug in the world: burundanga.  a drug that can be blown in your face, forcing you to catch a whiff, and in ten seconds will completely rob you of your free will and put you at command of whoever is giving you instructions.  instructions to take me to your house, load your TV and all of your valuables into my car, and then lay in bed, sleep, and forget everything that happened the night before.  it’s real, it’s terrifying, and it’s happened to people i know.  the existence of this drug alone has scarred me enough to never want to go out alone.  ever.  so be careful in colombia.  be responsible.

…and try not to fuck any donkeys while you’re here.