-People who send those “Save the Date!” cards. And then the date is like 3 years later. Listen, I don’t know wtf I’m doing tomorrow—I’m certainly not planning ahead for your wedding. Frankly, I don’t give a fuck about your wedding. “Ohhh! But they’re so cool! Open bar man!” Listen. I’d rather go out one night, rack up a 80 dollar bar tab, be fucking loaded as piss, and go to sleep in my own bed. I’m not renting a tuxedo and then flying out to Birmingham, Alabama for some old college buddy who since has moved on, and cares about nothing more than his cross-eyed troll of a wife. (Yeah, that’s right Jimmy, I’M TALKING TO YOU!)
-Children. I’ve never met a child I didn’t want to punch in the face. (My first pick would be to spank them, but apparently it’s “pedophilia” for me to spank a stray kid on the street—UGH! How sensitive are we these days!??)
Children are just evil little creatures. They live to take. They GIVE NOTHING! Oh, but wait til they grow up, and you can see all of your hard work having paid off! Here’s a thought: I can get a cat, and the thing SHITS on it’s own, in a box, and it doesn’t talk back to me, AND it dies in 10 years? Kids last forever. In other words, KIDS ARE THE WORST KIND OF STD IMAGINABLE.
-People who complain about racism online. PLEASE…shut your hole. You aren’t racist, I get it—good for you! You aren’t going to make people not-racist by changing your Facebook profile pic to a black power sign or a I STAND WITH IRAN’D picture. Racist people don’t even go online! They don’t leave their little cabins in the woods! They are racist precisely because of the lack of exposure to other types of people. DUH!
-People who can’t hold their alcohol. If the bouncer bounces your ass out of a bar two weekends in a row, you need to have the self-awareness, or the FRIENDS who say “Chuck. That’s it. No more drinking. We can still hang out and watch anime in your grandma’s basement, but no public appearances.” A real disgrace to people who can hold their liquor.
-People who celebrate “Lent”. Oh, so no eating meat on Fridays? FUCK YOU. FUCK! YOU! You hear that Mom?? I WANT MY PEPPERONI PIZZA! I WAIT A WHOLE GODDAMN WEEK FOR FRIDAY NIGHT PIZZA NIGHT, AND YOU WILL FEED ME A PROPER GODDAMN PIZZA. IF YOU DON’T, I SWEAR—I’LL MOVE STRAIGHT OUT OF YOUR BASEMENT!
-PEOPLE WHO WHOA SORRY LET ME STOP SCREAMING—People who are “flaky”. You know: people who say, “yeah I’ll do that,” and then they don’t… do that. If you say you’re gonna do something, just DO it. (*gets sponsored by Nike*) Or just don’t say it! See how that works? I just made you a more likable person. In short, BE RELIABLE YOU CUNT NUGGET.
-People who bring their smartphone out on weekend nights. Or take it out of their pocket for any purpose other than TO MEET UP with people. If you take your phone out to Snapchat how much fun you are having, guess what—YOU ARE NOT HAVING FUN. When you are having fun you don’t say, “whoa I’m having so much fun right now that the only thing I can think of is showing everyone how much fun I am having!” If you take more than 6 selfies on a Saturday night, you are creating a false image of yourself, and the REAL ones of us in the crowd know that you are full of shit.
-Dog people. Just because. Fuck em. They congregate in the park like a little cult, standing alongside each other, making awkward conversation as their midget Weiner dog tries to bone a German Shepard sixteen times it’s size. Gross.
Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments below. I mean, if you read this, you should participate. Don’t be a fucking lurker-ass creep show! (Ah, I forgot to add “lurker-ass creep shows” to this list. I’ll include them in Part 2.)
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