While I’d like to continue my rudimentary observations about Spain, the fact is, I’ve only been to Madrid and Barcelona thus far. And Barcelona is not Spain.
I mean, it’s right there, sure! But it belongs to the Catalonia prefecture, up near the top. And people there have their own language, and it’s on all of the signs and storefronts. Add to the fact that most people there don’t want nothing to do with Spain, and you have a very strong case that Catalonia should get independence away from the rest of Spain. Wanna know how people in Barcelona express this desire for independence?
FAULTY ELECTIONS I’m sorry, FLAGS: On any of the patios of the apartment buildings lining the blocks and corners of the city, you can find, at minimum, five separate flags draped over the ledges expressing their stance on the issue of Catalonian independence. Most of the flags are red-and-yellow-striped, with a blue triangle encompassing a white star. This means, “Fuck Spain, we want Catalonia to be its own country.” There is a variation of this where the blue triangle is yellow and this still calls for independence, just with some 70’s leftist-group spin on it. The other flag you’ll see is just the red and yellow stripes (no star), and this calls for Catalonia unification with Spain; much less common. You’ll see this outside of businesses and shit because this is the “play it safe” flag. And then in rare cases you might see the national flag of Spain but this is provoking and almost begs for one to have their porch torched.
ENGRISH Sorry I’m slipping today, SPANGLISH: I don’t know how, but somehow, the broken and hilariously misused English seen in Japan somehow made it’s way to the other side of Eurasia and to the city of Barcelona. It must be the Catalan language, because I see no other logical reason why there would be a box of condoms with the word RETARD on it, or some type of breadstick called a FARTOLI. The Catalan language seems hilarious and I’d like to learn it. Speaking of language,
TRILINGUALISM: The people of Barcelona are, majority-wise, apt at speaking three languages. I’m not sure if it’s the tourism that this city brings in, or just the way people are raised, but most people here speak English well, and that’s how they respond even after I’ve spoken to them in Spanish. I mean no shit they are gonna speak Spanish, the country is called Spain. But then there’s their native language of Catalan, which is a type of blend between Spanish and French. And that’s just the beginning of the French invasion in Barcelona.
FOOD: There are goddamn croissants everywhere. If you wake up before noon, good luck finding something to eat besides croissants and coffee. Then from 1 PM til about 4, you have the menu del dia option, which is gonna run you about 11 euros for an appetizer, a main dish, a drink (coffee/wine/whatever), a desert, and a OH LOOK, CROISSANTS ONCE AGAIN. There is no escaping it. This is your life now.
STREET LAYOUT: Okay, this is one I’ve been avoiding googling because I’m trying to figure it out for myself, but I’m in way over my head on this one. The intersections are all shaped like diamonds. So if you are a car you don’t turn by going 90 degrees to your right; you turn 45 degrees, drive a few feet forward, then turn the remaining 45 degrees. That’s how all the intersections are. And sprinkle some red bike lanes in there to confuse the fuck out of everyone. I mean, the traffic isn’t too bad so I think the intended purpose is to mitigate having a clusterfuck of cars in the city. Great. But what this means if you are a pedestrian, is: you can’t just walk straight down a street. Like the cars, you are constantly weaving around at every corner. You are turning 45 degrees here, then walking to the middle of the street to cross at an intersection, then walking 45 degrees outwards, then walking straight, until you have to do it all over again. A goddamn shitshow if you dare traverse on foot.
DOGS SHITTING ON SIDEWALKS: Ubiquitous.
WTF, THERE’S A BEACH HERE?: Barcelona seems like a city you have all figured out, until you see the beach. It makes no sense that there’s a beach here. It doesn’t need one. It’s already a unique city. Every time I’ve gone there I’ve been like “Why is this here?” And then I’ll partake in some illicit activity on the sand and be like “Okay, I guess I’m cool with this.”
GAUDI: Oh look, it’s an architect who actually lives up to his name. Unlike that Frank Lloyd Wright dickhead, who was actually Frank Lloyd Wrong most of the time. Mr. Federico Fernando Gaudi (I guessed his first two names) is a Spanish hero, and his work stretches to all of the country. Although he died in 1925, in a “tram accident gone wrong” (what REALLY happened?), his work is immortalized and best preserved in the city of Barcelona. It’s what brings so many Korean and other slanty-eyed tourists to this city. Well, that and shopping. (Okay, it’s the shopping.) Gaudi’s style can be called weird and eccentric, but it’s certainly not hard on the eyes. The guy studied snowflakes and geometry in nature and applied all of these ideas to the little details in his works. Most famous piece: La Sagrada Familia. A church, which a century after his death STILL isn’t finished, but with amazing stained-glass windows, the highest ceiling you’ve ever seen, and a woman named Virgin Mary walking around soliciting handjobs. She might not be part of the exhibit, but I suggest you pay the 3 euros and give her a whirl.
NIGHTLIFE: My last night in Barcelona I went to a club located in a castle in the mountains that was playing psychedelic-trance until 6 AM, when they party ended—abruptly—and everyone moved the party to the middle of the street and inside a random girl’s caravan because why not? There’s always a party somewhere here.
OUTDOOR PING PONG TABLES: Somebody got high as fuck and proposed putting stationary ping pong tables in parks and in the middle of the streets, and they actually fucking went with it. A wacky but wonderful idea. Make sure you bring your own paddles.
TRANSPORTATION: Uber was just banned in the city, after taxis blocked the biggest street in Barcelona in protest. But that doesn’t matter. E-scooters—yeah, remember those things?—well, there are some E-scooter companies that command a small surplus in the city, but most of the people riding them actually OWN the things. And they are only like 300 euros so like why not? Then there’s a lot of skateboards, and these 30 min bike rental things (as seen in several major US cities) called Bicing, and there are subways running all over the city, and buses that go 24 hours. Pretty easy getting around. No jetpacks yet (fingers crossed).
VENDING MACHINES WITH VIBRATORS IN THEM: I haven’t even seen this shit in Japan, and THAT’S saying something.
LEG-DISABILITIES: This is probably my greatest observation, because nobody seems to have noticed the extent of its permeation except me. And this makes me feel like a conspiracy theorist, but I swear to god, there is something sinister going on here. You know those little arm-brace things that Jimmy from South Park uses? I see someone using those on the street like every five minutes. They are everywhere. What can be causing this? Is there something in the water causing deformities? Are doctors over-prescribing these things? I have no answers.
But you didn’t come here for answers. You came here to join me in a state of perpetual confusion. Welcome to my world.
One Comment
SO TRUE AND ACCURATE