-Ukraine is home to the best restaurant chain in the world, and it’s called “PUZATA MOTHERFUCKING HATA.” Look at their MOTHERFUCKING salad bar™ :
-Ukranians eat a lot of buckwheat, which looks like little purple shards of shrapnel, and it’s super easy to cook. I think it has some good health benefits, I’m not really sure. What I am sure of is that “buckwheat” certainly rhymes with “fuckwheat”
-Ukranian is a useless language–in IT’S OWN COUNTRY, nontheless! Everyone speaks Russian. So why bother with the Ukranian? It’s hard as shit. Know how in Spanish you have to conjugate verbs depending on the speaker? Yeah, Ukranian conjugates EVERY SINGLE WORD IN THE SENTENCE
-I lived in a neighborhood called Osokorky, which was about 40% humans, and 60% BABIES. The babies are taking over. Also, their high abundance shows that Ukranians are optimistic about the economy, or the future, or the something
-In the 3 months I lived there, from April to July, I experienced every type of weather pattern imaginable: basically snowing, hot as bejeezus, cool, rainy, and hurricaning so hard my windows blew open and smacked me in the back of the head as I was standing in front of them
-Ukraine has lots of 24-hour pubs, which many cities do, except they don’t promote it
-The fruit here is kinda rotten. (My standards are high after South America.) The exception being the apricots, which are jizz-drippingly del-jizz-cious
-Georgian food. Did you know Georgia was a state? Apparently there is a city there called Atlanta, and there’s a TV show about it and everything. Now, did you know that Georgia was also a COUNTRY?? And they eat something called khatchapuri, and it looks like THIS:
-Chocolate is good and abundant here, and the national chocolate, Roshen, borrows its name from the corrupt ex-president, PoROSHENko, who stole taxpayer money to install a golden toilet in his house. This is a true story.
-Because booze is so cheap in Ukraine, there are always stories of foreigners coming and getting drunker than anyone’s ever been, passing out in the lobby of hostels, crying for “Help!” despite them being Irish and you only pouring them 6 shots in the past 20 mins. I mean they should be able to handle that shit. The fuck, Irish??
-There are hidden places all over Kiev: bars with “extreme shots,” psy-art museums, a place with a giant agressive crow in a cage, outdoor pingpong tables–always a treat for the explorative-hearted
-Ukranians in general don’t speak English too fantastically (young people: a bit, over 40: NAY), but everyone says “sorry” in English. And they do it with a strong accent so it sounds like SOH-RAAAY
-As for the standard greeting, it’s… okay I’ll be honest, I don’t know what in the goddamn fuck people are saying. It sounds like “Drast-ee-vich” but I never saw it in writing so can’t confirm. Anytime people greeted me I just nodded
-Ukraine has the deepest metro station in the world: Arsenalna. You take two long back-to-back escalators down, buy a train ticket from Satan, and you’re good to ride
-Their .COM equivalent (since every country has their own) is .UA… not .UK (that was taken) or .UR (that was taken too)– .UA: the first and the 4th letters in the country name
-If you look like me, don’t even bother; being blonde and blue-eyed may earn you attention somewhere, but not here. I thought maybe that I was just horrid and ugly to the girls here, until I went to a gay bar on my b-day, CRUSHED it in karaoke, and NO GAYS HIT ON ME either. There’s a look that is beneficial here, and that look is “black”
-The metro in Ukraine is the loudest fucking mode of transportation I have ever experienced. Louder than an airplane or the torch of a hot air balloon. As it drives, the only sound you hear is sparks shooting out of the tracks, and sparks shooting out of your ears
-To compensate for this, there are no bums in the metros. To quote a Ukranian friend of mine, “What I love about the government is they treat homeless like half-people.”
-The biggest culture shock for me was when I arrived there and realized they use the Syrillic (Russian) alphabet, and that I couldn’t read SHIT. Fortunately it only takes a week or two to learn. Yet its effects are long-lasting; the C, which is pronounced like an S, means that I am now pronouncing Spanish words like a cuper-chithead
-Girls are attractive, it’s true. The standard in Ukraine is high, even to a white-people hater like myself. Also they are completely approachable. The problem comes when you get a little bit involved with one, and she asks you to buy her a furcoat
-I never got into a single fight with anyone while I was living there. I can’t say that about any other country I lived in. Is it passivity on the Ukranians part? I don’t think so; I once saw a guy beat up a vending machine
-Ukranians are pretty big people. I didn’t feel like a giant like I did in Portugal. Also I was able to find shoes that fit me, which I couldn’t do in the whole of Western Europe
-To cross a busy street, you enter an underground lair and walk through a tunnel filled with malls, clothing stories, jewelers, gaming cafes, fallafel shops, florists–Ukraine is well-prepared for the nuclear apocalypse
-Ukraine has nice flag colors: yellow and blue. Invokes fond memories of me peeing in my uncle’s pool
-Vladamir Klitchko is the mayor of Kiev. Yes, the famous boxer. And he flies over Kiev in a helicopter. I don’t know how this makes sense, but some things you just have to accept
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