If you had heard that I had left the country, you were wrong. I was able to accomplish the task of fornicating with a goat within the borders of the US. God damn, that goat was one of the top three sexual experiences in my life, easily.
ANYWAYS.
I wanted to write today to let y’all know that,
And this is big news, but,
Today I formally announce that,
I’m coming out of the closet.
Seriously. Don’t think that just cuz you left this giant bookshelf pressed against the door means I’ll stay in here forever. I’ll find a way out of this closet. Just you watch.
Also, I’ve left the land of Chicago for the small town of Los Angeles. I take a lot of pride in being from Chicago (it’s the reason my lower torso is composed entirely of pizza crust), but now that I’m gone, and I’m standing here in shorts eating fruit on the street in November: whoa buddy. Watch out.
I mean it, watch out, there are bee’s in this area.
Wait is that how punctuation works? It’s ‘bee’s’, right? Or is it ‘bees’?
Ah, I know. It’s bees. ‘Bee’s’ is what your mom gives me. ‘Bee’s jay’s’.
(‘BJ’s’ for short)
Soooooo what was I saying about, oh yeah, FUCK CHICAGO! DONE with that bullshit. Your winters of hell and death and people with scowls on their faces and hurricanes and locust swarms–I’m DONE WITH YOU Chi-town! Don’t you ever suck me into your slimy clutches again. Disgusting! (Did you even wash your hands when you touched me?)
One of the best things about LA is all of the ethnic groups and cultures you come across here. I mean… wait let me retract that statement. One of the best things about LA is all of the ASIANS you come across. Seriously, Asians are a dime a dozen out here. They grow on trees. Like, literally; they grow on fucking trees.
And the Asian neighborhoods are the best. A good alternative to driving through Compton getting uzi’s shot at you. They have Chinatown, Little Tokyo, THAI town, Little Ethiopia, and so forth.
And don’t tell me that Ethiopia isn’t part of Asia. My political party dictates that it is. And I believe everything they believe.
And that’s what they believe: that Ethiopia is part of Asia. That’s actually… all they believe. That’s the name of their party: The “Ethiopia is Part of Asia” Party.
Fuck I went off on a tangent there. I better tone it down. There are white liberals amongst us.
I don’t know what that means, but I heard it on TV today and I’m trying to seem smarter than I am.
Or maybe…
Maybe I’m just too smart for you. Like, miles ahead. Ask yourself: would Darby act dumb to distract you from that fact that he’s a brilliant rocket scientist, hiding behind this facade of being a tall and loud idiot? But actually knows 152-digit launch codes by memory, and can solve a Rubik’s cube in just under 4 hours?
There I go again, off on a tangent. The fuck was I talking about? Bruce Jenner?
Oh, LA.
So yeah, my current mission out here is that I’m gonna find a way to get on TV.
Did I surprise you? Did you know I wanted to be on TV?
Yeah…
I want to get my own talk show. That’s the dream.
I mean come on, If Steve the security guard from the Jerry Springer show can get his own show, then I sure as fuck can get mine. Am I wrong in assuming that?
Oh, and uh notice how I didn’t say anything about “the election” in this whole blog? That’s what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to take your mind off of all of the horror that occurred this past week. So I’m not going to talk about it.
But seriously this Donald Trump guy, what a fucking character. I think someone called him the “best shit-talker in American history”. Is that possible?
Sorry—I didn’t want to talk politics but I had to get that out there.
Also, I feel… and this might be unwarranted, but I have just felt like, ever since the political shit hit the political fan in the political office of saying the world political too much—ever since that, I have felt that…
The world has gotten better.
I feel like some good shit has happened. Some really good shit.
I mean, I can’t really back this up with too many examples—well, any examples, but like, come on!
Just trust me on this bro.
Shit is going to be good.
A week ago I was leaving the airport and the goddamn TSA…
Didn’t make me take my shoes off.
And I didn’t have to take a laptop out of my bag.
It was unbelievable.
It was the first time I had ever viewed the TSA as living, breathing multi-cellular organisms. Humans. Ya know: “Our kind.”
Oh and also, I don’t know if you heard, but
The Chicago Cubs won the goddamn World Series.
And don’t say, “he’s still talking about that?” Because the answer is, “Yes. I am still talking about that.”
“Thanks for asking.”
You all have a nice week.
You remember to keep that head up and be positive. Don’t sulk. Don’t complain. You have the power.
To make yourself happy.
Go and be fucking happy.
Sheesh.
