One Week in America

And don’t even start with this “But you’ve been there two weeks!” shit because I’m in AMERICA now, and in America, when people impose or step onto our property, we SHOOT those fuckers.  Besides…uh, euphony?

So being back in Sweet Home Chicago for one week I can say “Whoa!  Shit is wild!”  Like…this is America?  It’s not how I remembered it.  But to be honest, during my two year stint in “Little America” (my name for South America), I’ve done some shit, and well, my memory may be a little distorted.

With everything suddenly feeling so fresh and so new, I’ve made a handful of observations that I wanted to share with you.  Believe it or not, it’s not all bad.  In fact, it’s overwhelmingly good!  As much as I love to shit all over the U.S., there’s just a special warm feeling you get when you press the “alt” key on your keyboard, and you get A FUCKING ALT (South American keyboards have gone rogue).  Without further ado, my list of American observations:

-Everyone here seems so nice!  What?!?  Yes, I know.  It’s strange, but everyone here has just been the sweetest little dandelion.  Granted, this is Chicago, and we are somewhat known for our “big city/small town feel” thing, but I’ve been blown away by everyone willing to go out of their way to give you directions to the nearest McDonalds, directions to the nearest Starbucks, directions to the nearest Burger King, etc.

-Tipping!  I FINALLY understand it (somewhat).  Sure, it sucks that I can’t just pay one flat rate and be outta there, but tipping is a very necessary evil.  My time in South America was plagued by waitresses getting paid to scratch their asses, pick their noses, adjust their tampons… and flashing you an evil glare if you attempted to do something unspeakable like order a drink.

-The food here–well, Chicago food at least–is sexy, succulent, and I want to have sex with it.  I’ve spent the last week undertaking a food pilgrimage, as I have attempted to reclaim everything my life was sorely lacking over the past two years: italian beefs, hot dogs, REAL MOTHERFUCKING PIZZA–mmm!  Me, being a health-conscious person generally watch what I eat, but this past week?   FUCK IT ALL TO HELL.  I gained 9 pounds in six days!  Ain’t stop won’t stop (til I have a heart attack).

-Diversity.  My home city is one hell of a melting pot.  At a first glance, it appears pretty split between blacks and whites, but look closely, and you find that Chicago is home to like a hundred [citation needed] different little ethnic neighborhoods, ranging from Chinatown, Greektown, Boystown, Clowntown, and more.

-Sports.  Do you like sports?  Chicago would like to have a word with you.  After being out of the loop for two years, I stepped back into Chicago and all of the sudden BULLS PLAYOFFS!  THE BLACKHAWKS TOO!  AND OMG THE CUBS ARE GONNA WIN THE WORLD SERIES THIS YEAR!  We have a prominent team in every sport;  some with a history of winning, some with, well, a history of never winning.  But that’s okay!  Sports fan brave the cold, survive the heat, and do everything and anything to channel the mania that one can only feel by being a Chicago sports fan.

-INCOMING DEPRESSING OBSERVATION: Everyone is dying.  And no, not in a naturalistic way.  For being such a medicated country, we seem to be dropping like flies.  My parents have both lost friends to cancer within the last couple years, and they were the people you’d least expect to ever get it.  When my mom says “I had lunch with three women, and half of them [Mom’s not a mathematician] had breast cancer,” you know that something is up.  Could it be the food?  The lifestyles?  The importance placed on money?  Your guess is as good as mine.

-As dangerous as this city as, in the portrayal of the media and in Spike Lee’s new movie, “Chi-raq”, I’ve actually felt really safe here.  I can hold my own, believe that.  But in Chicago, I feel like I can leave my bag unattended next to me as I sleep on the train, and I can prowl the streets aimlessly at 4 AM.  That’s some shit you can’t do in South America.  Pick-pocketers would pull your own dick out of your pocket if that shit isn’t attached.  It actually happened to a guy I knew.  True story.

-Technology.  It’s good to have you back in my life, old friend.  South America is a little behind the times, if you know what I mean.  Let me just put it this way:  they still play Playstation 3.  Playstation-fucking-THREE.  Can you believe that shit!?

-Americans: we’re not the best looking people in the world, and that doubly applies to us folks down here in Chicago.  We’re kinda ugly actually.  But I guess that’s what gives us our down-to-earthness?  To any American comrades traveling to Colombia, embrace yourself.  All People women there are born beautiful.  We, are not.  We are a bunch of fat walruses.  But hey!  Personality!  Look at all of the funny people who came out of Chicago!  WE’RE FUCKING HILARIOUS GODDAMNIT!

This concludes my list of observations.  Thank you for reading, and may the force be with you.