Oh my fucking God, NETFLIX ISN’T LOADING MOVIES.
(*calls authorities*)
Well, there ain’t shit else to do ‘cept write a blog.
Much to discuss. For starters, THE TEST. IS. DONE.
FREEDOM!! (*denounces slavery, shoots random white person*)
“What test?” You know–the test. Have you not been following my life on Instagram, Snapchat, or my iTunes podcast?
“The test” refers to the notoriously difficult N1 level of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. The test that caused me to renounce my social life, all drugs, sex, shaving–basically all responsibilities–and yes that includes my child support. I am talking about the test that gets me certified as a language maestro. The test that let’s me work for Nintendo. The test I vowed to make my bitch.
…The test that made me its bitch.
Shit was hard as fuck! And, and, my Japanese is good! Surasura to hanasu, is how they say it in Japanese. Or something like that. Something with an ‘S’. (Shaba shabu?) Anyways, the N1 test made me feel like I knew nothing. Like I was a African-American guy trying to fit in in Kenya.
Regardless of the outcome, I will continues my studies into the language and be prepared just in case I have to retake it. The earliest I can retake is in the summer, but the test is only administered in the U.S. every winter, so I’d likely have to leave my beautiful land of freedom and bald eagles (not to mention Jesus’ favorite country), and out into the savage world of BOMBS, TERRORISM, PLAGUES, AND DEATH. You know; a place like Canada.
Oh, and, I won’t know the my test results til the end of February. Because putting a scan-tron test through a computer that grades everything automatically in under 1.4 seconds is HARD, ladies and gentlemen.
In other news:
The immigration people LOST documentation that is necessary to bring my Colombian girlfriend to the United States. This has been the second fucking time they lost something. Hold on; let me call the hot line to complain about the shoddy work of the government… wait, there’s no hot line? So how am I supposed to complain when the government is doing a bad job? Do I just, like, go online and complain about it? Am I supposed to fucking VOTE or something? Quick! Jesus! Do something! (*throws Jesus a grappling hook*)
So that lost document means that I will continue waiting, for something to happen, but that’s okay because I BELIEVE IN OUR GOVERNMENT (*votes for Hillary Clinton*)
And those are the biggest stories in my life right now. Also noteworthy: I am watching a French movie right now. Yes, that’s actually big news. The biggest stipulation granted to me now, being done with my test, is that I can DO things now! I can watch movies, listen to music–and they don’t have to be in Japanese! My study technique for the N1 test was to DO EVERYTHING IN JAPANESE. So after what seems like decturies (decades + centuries), I can do away with the “extreme immersion” lifestyle, and step outside of my cave…
And step right back inside, and PLAY SOME MOTHERFUCKING NINTENDO (*baby starts to cry, wife wonders why we can’t have a normal family*)
Ohh! That means I can go to concerts too. You know, I really enjoy concerts. Especially the ones with music! I’m not so keen on the ones with the woman sits on stage and then pulls a long string adorned with dozens of razor blades out of her vagina. Wait–I’m confusing “concerts” with “Thailand.” Sorry.
Speaking of Thailand, I have like soooo many Thailand stories to share. So many fitting tales for this blog. Including THEE story. AKA the best story you’ve ever heard.
But that time will come. When it’s ready. (*lightning strikes, baby starts crying again*)
Next week, I am going to hit you with a Thailand story involving an island, Na’vi, and magical plants you eat and start seeing shit. Next week. Because this is a weekly blog now, bitch.
