Movie Theatre Meltdown

I was excited.  “2001: A Space Odyssey” was being shown that night at the Lima Cultural Center.  This would be my first time viewing Stanley Kubrick’s seminal space masterpiece in its entirety.  Joined by my cousin and my girlfriend, I entered the theatre, not really knowing what to expect.  My cousin’s prognosis of the film was, “This is not a movie; this is an experience.”  And so while I was prepared for an experience that night at the theatre, little did I know that the action taking place wouldn’t be limited to just the screen.

We walked in (late of course–this is Latin America) to a completely full house. The images on screen showed a pack of crazy monkey men jumping around and beating another monkey down with bones.  I’m not sure if I missed something, but this was some crazy shit.  Next, the movie match-cuts to a shot of deep space and well that’s the beginning of the “2001” film people know and love. If you know anything about this film, it’s probably that it takes place in space, and that it’s long as fuck.  And yes, this is back when movies had an intermission.  Some folks dropped out after the intermission.  I remained in my seat as the space saga continued.

A trashy woman in her 40’s, donning bleached blond hair, artificial lips, and glowing in gaudy makeup, is making her way back to her seat, located directly behind my girlfriend.  She somehow manages to guide her oversized ass into her seat, ensnaring my girlfriend’s hair into her bracelet in the process.  The girlfriend, who doesn’t let that kind of shit fly, whips around and exchanges words with this woman.  The two of them talk a bit of shit to each other until I turn around and in plain English tell this woman to shut the fuck up.

And she does.

Back to the film.

The movie approaches the grand climax.  The screen is filled with colors, vibrant waves of them treading across the screen in an absolute sensory overload, which is seriously fucking my shit up. Suddenly my focus is diverted back to the woman behind me, as she starts pestering me and my girlfriend over the fact that our feet are rested atop the chairs in front of us.  The seats were empty, so… why the fuck not?  In Spanish, she declares, “Maybe you can do this in your country, but not here!”

I try to ward off her incessant nagging, at first by shushing her, then by telling her, “Callese!” and finally reminding her that we are indeed gathered in a movie theater, not a shouting theatre.  Her partner, an 83-year-old woman, decides to get involved. “Have some respect!” she yells, like any old out-of-touch hag would say.  “And quit skateboarding on the sidewalk!”  She may or may not have said that last part.

“Respect?  Ha!  For you, I have NONE,” I retort in my best Spanish, realizing that we are clearly bugging everyone else in the theatre.

This goes on for awhile, and honestly I could play their game all day, but uh THERE’S A MOVIE I’D LIKE TO GET BACK TO, and judging from the swoon of shushes around me, the audience would like to as well.  I concede and face the screen in front of me, trying to make sense of what I just missed.

I have but a few seconds until I feel powerful impact crash down on my head.

I turn around and stare in horror as the woman stands over me, mouth foaming, brandishing a shoe. The shoe she just battered my brains with.

Well there goes that.  My girlfriend stands up and starts verbally sparring with the woman who hit me.  Me, I start going at it with the grandma. The screaming gets so loud that now, not a single person in the theatre can pretend that they are not witnessing it.  People are yelling; some in support of us, but the vast majority against us, telling us to return to our shitty countries, to get the fuck out of the theatre, etc.   Although these two ladies were clearly in the wrong, I can see how some simpletons would side with them merely for the fact that they were women.  That includes one man two rows behind me, who, had he have been one row behind me would have swung a fist at me.  All I had to say to him was, “Quien eres tu!?”  (Who the fuck are you?)

A spotlight hits me in the face. Oh shit.  Here comes security down both of the aisles.  Hey, if I’m getting thrown out I’m at least going to get my money’s worth. Oh wait, the movie was free.  Well fuck it.  I’m going to cause a big fucking scene anyway.

As expected, the security guards come right for us.  We refuse to leave.  They stop the projector and all of the lights go on.  The movie viewing experience is finished.  This is now a war, and every single person in the theater is involved.  People are out of their seats, calling for blood, throwing trash–I could’ve sworn I saw a teenage boy crying in his mother’s arms, using her left tit as a bouncy hat.

Security, who had originally come to throw me out, is now considering throwing the shoe woman and her grandma out.  With enough supportive people in the audience, not wanting this event to give Peruvians a bad name, security is convinced that I am innocent, and was attacked without provocation, and they inform the ladies that they will be ejected instead of us.

The women protest and try to use the fact that they are women, and old, and natives to this country, to try to add legitimacy to their stories.  But security isn’t buying it, and they throw the two fuckers the hell outta there.  As they are exiting, the crowd, with the majority now seemingly on our side, broke out into a rousing applause.

I waved to the crowd, resisting the urge to take a bow, and then gave a hearty, “Lo siento!” to let everyone know I felt bad about the actions that just transpired.  Or at least make it seem like I did.

One woman came down from her seat in the back, apologizing to me in English, telling me not to think bad about Peruvians. A few others had supported us too, telling us to stay when I had considered leaving.

The final ten minutes of “2001” were a trip, but needless to say, I wasn’t really thinking about the movie. I was considering the possibility that that woman could be hiding outside the theater ready to bludgeon me with a shoe. Luckily that didn’t happen, and I escaped with my life intact.

And no I can make no sense of that movie, so if anyone wants to explain it, much obliged.