Hi! Greetings from Mexico. Things are good here—despite what the title reads.
No, the “meltdown” refers to the actions of a girl I knew; a local whose meltdown was so epic that I chose to reference it here. A meltdown involving doing meth and then chucking a beer bottle at this ol’ chap’s noggin. And not like a little bottle either—a fucking big one! Like 80 ounces or something.
This girl has been mentioned on the blog before. I may have even said… I loved her.
Wait, no no no no! I never said that. I did however say that me and this girl banged in a lot of public places all around Spain. So there’s that.
While I’m at it, I’m gonna stretch the meaning of the title to include another meltdown that happened…
IN MY ESOPHAGUS!
Wait, is that the part that holds the poop? Before you poop it out?
Uh, okay, how bout we just say that a meltdown happened somewhere within my body, because I was POISONED by floor cleaner!
That’s right; minutes after me and my cousin Melvin mopped the apartment with this cheap shitty fucking floor cleaning liquid, we both started heaving and feeling the need to vomit. The only way to avoid this feeling was to stick our heads out the window. And when we realized this couldn’t last forever, we left home and ended up at the main bus station of Mexico City.
But THEN, right when we were waiting to board a bus to Oaxaca (explanation coming), we immediately felt the urge to shit. Like, REALLY BAD!
I already had a grating headache from the fumes, but now I was shitting violently. I shat twice at the bus station, minutes apart from each other, and made it onboard the bus in the nick of time.
Now, ol’ Melvin had it slightly worse than me. I shat once during the journey to Oaxaca, and at a planned stop; Melvin had to make a bus full of people stop, solely for him, so he could get off and narrowly avoid shitting his pants. And he did this TWICE.
Well, we arrived to Oaxaca at 7 AM and things got better, eventually. I was feeling about 85% at 7 PM, which was good because that one night was the whole reason we went to Oaxaca:
For the last day of Dia de Muertos, the Day of the Dead celebration. Oaxaca has the biggest party in Mexico.
We ended up having a pretty epic time, but the celebration itself was heavily neutered by that stupid cough going around. You know the one, that’s named after a beer here in Mexico…
The fucking DOS EQUIS virus, rearing its stupid head yet again!
Well, I’ll tell you one thing about this virus: I can’t get it twice.
Oh sure, YOU can, but I can’t. I’ve got “the antibodies.” Hell, I don’t even wear a mask anymore.
I mean, okay, sometimes I DO wear a mask, but it’s only for show. To make other people think that I’m not going to breathe on them, or wink at them, or bleed on them any more than I usually do.
My current mask is the same one I had back in Serbia—and I was there 3, 4 months ago. And no, it’s not like one of those washable masks, either—it’s one of them blue fucks made from cheap cloth and costing 89 cents at the pharmacy. There are hairs and fibers sticking out of it in excess of 1 ½ feet long. Hairs going in my mouth every time I strap up.
Anyway, I’m sure you didn’t come here to hear about my mask, but just know that the mask will be famous. And by “famous,” I mean “used as a prop in a Instagram video.
Do you follow me on the ‘Gram? How about the ‘Tube? As of yesterday, I’m 4/5th’s finished with Season 2 of Explicit Explorers. New vid is here:
The latest episode features two things that could not be more unalike: a tour of Auschwitz (not fun) and a tour of a pinball museum (fun). In the Auschwitz part I was close to cutting all jokes, or anything that could be even slightly construed as “humorous,” since ya know… people died there, and you’re not supposed to make jokes about that stuff…
But then I said, “Fuck it, nothing is sacrilegious,” and left it how it was. I think that you can joke about anything, and joking is a type of medicine, regardless of the situation, or the number of dirty Jews that burned there.
See that? That was a joke. If you were offended, best that ya don’t come round here no mo!
