Tomorrow, I am taking a road trip for the sole purpose of stalking a celebrity. Now, I know what you are all thinking:
“A road trip! Fun! Where to??”
Although we usually associate road trips with glamorous destinations like “camping sites” and “truck stop bathrooms”, my trip will take me to somewhere that is quite the contrast from your atypical travel location. For I will be setting my reticles (and testicles) on the self-proclaimed “land of complete bullshit”, a.k.a. the big ugly state of Iowa.
Yes Iowa, the state so boring, I can’t even make a joke about it because I have no idea what actually takes place there. When I think of Iowa, the only thing that comes to mind are the colors black and yellow, which are the colors of their state university, which I don’t think is saying a lot about a place when your whole STATE is known for a school.
But there is (shockingly) one more thing of significant importance in Iowa, and it has to do with that “stalking a celebrity” thing I mentioned earlier. The Chicago Cubs have their minor league team there, the AAA league. It’s where they train all their hot prospects and send the pro-level players when they get caught being naughty. It is also the current location one of the most legendary non-American baseball players to ever touch American soil. Wanna guess where he’s from?
Holland? Oooh no…but close!
Guess again.
Japan? That’s right! He’s a Japanese icon, and his name is Mune-kun… or something. That’s what I call him, anyway.
I could go on and on about how he’s the ultimate badass, and how he is an absolute beast on the field, but the truth is: I’ve never even seen him play. Nope. What goes on over there on the baseball field, that’s none of my concern. What happens off the field though, that’s something I have taken a keen liking to. And Mune-kun’s interview skills are OUT OF THIS WORLD.
I present to you, Exhibit A:
Any time this man steps in front of a camera, magic happens. Allow this drippingly horny news reporter to elaborate further:
So yeah, that’s the mission. Me and my brother-in-arms “Whitelord” are taking a roadie out to meet this guy. We have both been to his small hometown in Japan. We can speak his language. I even once sang karaoke with his best friend from childhood and earned his blessing to go meet this ledge in person. I expect nothing less than a night out, filled to the brim with complete mayhem and a disgustingly high body count of hookers.
Mune-kun, we’re coming for you. Get ready to meet your new best friends.
