Guide to Surviving America

Hi there!

Are you moving to America soon?  Is it your first time there?  Are you going because your lover lives there and he’s hot and good in bed?

Ohhhh, I thought that was you honey!  (*hides the bong*)  I was actually just writing you.  Listen amor, there is something I need to tell you…

As we both know, this past year has been tough.  We’ve spent that time living apart from one another, and not just a 20-minute drive away either; two whole CONTINENTS apart.  (And despite what you dildos in Colombia believe, North and South America ARE two different continents.  At long last, you have your hands on that coveted US visa, which allows you to leave your home country and come live with me in mine.  It’s… not going to be easy.  But you’ll survive; not just survive, sur-THRIVE.  And thus, I’ve prepared a list of a few tips I think will help you in your new life in America.  First and foremost:

-AVOID FAST FOOD!  Just don’t fucking eat it!  Except Wendy’s.  You can  have some Wendy’s every once in awhile.  (The little girl on the sign is just soooo keeeeeewt!)  In America everything has to be fast, but your food—should not.  This shit will clog up your arteries and kill the fuck out of you.  Everyone in this country is dying of cancer, and the cause is right here.

…And by being run over by motorized shopping carts at Walmart.

-DON’T WATCH TELEVISION!  Whoa, what?  Avoid TV!?  But, but… there are TV’s everywhere!  You’ll see them all over bars, department stores are playing them as you walk by their windows—some people even wear ’em as earrings!  But heed my words: American television…is terrorism.  It has brainwashing abilities on par with the Third Reich.  You wanna watch the news!?  Nigga, that ain’t news.  That is what they want you to think is news.  Everyone one of those talking heads on the TV screen has an agenda.  If ya wanna watch something, put on Netflix: where you dictate 100% of what you watch.  Isn’t that a novel concept?  And there are no commercials.  Commercials are AIDS:  they… yeah, I’m not even gonna finish that metaphor.  Commercials are AIDS.

-TRAVEL.  Internationally.  (And no, Cancun, Mexico does not count.)  Go somewhere where nobody speaks your language.  When you feel yourself starting to get comfortable, leave and reset those wires in your brain.  I think every 6 months is a healthy duration to travel; every year at the longest.  We get complacent here and cocky and don’t have interest in the outside world.  That’s the American mentality.  But just by virtue of you being both Colombian and bilingual, you are already a step up on most people here.  But don’t lose your roots, don’t lose your culture, and don’t lose your wanderlust.

-EXERCISE.  So basically, when you come here, you are gonna get fat.  It’s inevitable.  It happens to all immigrants.  I mean, just look at, well, every single Mexican here for proof.  The good news is: you can fight it.  Exercise!  Sexercise!  More sexercise!  Since you have already lost the battle to resist eating shit with sugar and that toxic “high fructose corn syrup” (they are in EVERYTHING), the best you can do is sweat heavily and pump that oxygen to your brain.  Americans don’t get enough oxygen to the brains anyhow.  Dey be on dat retarded shit.

-DO RETARDED NATURE SHIT.  Go outside.  Climb a tree.  I’m serious.  Climb a fucking tree.  You do it?  You up there?  Good.  Now let me ask you a question.

The fuck you doing in that tree?  Come down here.  Get.  Don’t you ever do that again.  Golly.

Outdoors are nice.  Remember when you were a kid and you were playing outside all the time?  Don’t you have such fond memories??  What’s that?  Your childhood memories consist of being hunted by Colombian rebel paramilitary groups and now anytime you see a playground you associate it with the time they almost murdered you and your family on a playground?  Um…

(*clears throat*)

(*sweats*)

Oh look, a goat!

(*dives out second-story window*)

-USE YOUR PHONE SPARINGLY.  You will notice this ASAP:  people texting/sexting/selfie-ing on their phones.  ERRRWHERE!  Do you wanna be like those people and miss out on LIFE?  Leave it at home.  Now watch what happens.  Did the world crumble?  Did a bomb just go off and obliterate all of your family before you could text them one more emoticon of a winky face followed by a thumbs up followed by a rainbow-colored butterfly?  How does it feel to be without a phone?  Better?  Don’t you feel FREE?  Don’t you feel LIBERATED??  Don’t you feel CONSTIPATED!??

…Yes honey, that IS a common American expression.  Don’t doubt me or go and look it up in the dictionary.  If you are going to be a TRUE American, you have to start accepting things without questioning them.

-SET GOALS.  You’re gonna see a lot of people who have given up on their dreams and resigned to the fact that they must live within “the real world”.  Don’t settle for being average!  Set big goals, and if you can’t achieve them, die trying,  The alternative is a life of mediocrity, and a lifetime of questioning “what if?”  Unless you want that life, of course.  Unless you want the three-bedroom house, the family pet that shits everywhere, the “job security”, the credit cards, the—wait a minute—

-DO NOT GET CREDIT CARDS.  Why?  Why would you wanna spend money you don’t have?  WHAT good can come out of that??  It’s… it’s a… uh….

-READ!  Pick up a book and read that motherfucker.  And when you finish reading Horton Hears a Who, pick up another book and read that too.  Just… stay educated!  And keep learning!  Fight the fight against anti-intellectualism!

-DON’T GET PREGNANT!!  Kids… who needs em!  Am I right?  What’s that?  Wh—whaddaya mean, you’ve changed your mind about kids??  You think that we would have “cute” kids?  Well, keep imagining honey!  You know I hate kids!!  I will never be a father, EVER!  You can’t make me!  You can’t take my sperm!  I’m getting a vasectomy, woman!  I SWEAR it!  I’m going celibate!  I—NO!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING!  GET OFF ME!  GET AWWFFFNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  

-WRITE!  Writing has countless therapeutic benefits: it will let you clear your head, make sense of things when you overcomplicate things, and allow you to get down to the very fiber of your being.  If you do it enough and get good at it, you might gain your own little following, with whom you can share all your idiotic misadventures, like stories of banging Thai ladyboys and snorting massive heaps of Adderall!

Actually, you know what?  Don’t your stories online.  Ever.

Well, there you have it: your starters guide to surviving round this neck of the woods.

In short: just remember to be an American*, not an American.