Right?? Hasn’t 2017 been fucking amazing? Were you fucked up and on drugs for most of it? No? Just me? Hm…
Truth be told, I’m not particularly happy that 2016 is over. I mean, why would I be? Name one public event that negatively affected me at all… Go on, I’ll wait.
Also I live in the sewers and I have no idea what the fuck is going on up on the surface, so there’s that too.
2017. This one is gonna be a good one, I just know it. It’s got a 7 in it and 7 is my lucky number. It… also… has the number 20 in it, and that’s the number of times that Daddy spanked me last night. So maybe it won’t be a good year… maybe it’ll be a terrible year, actually… Shhh! Quiet… You hear that? Oh no, Daddy’s coming! Run!
As the year turns, and we spend the next three months still writing 2016 on all our shit, (until we get frustrated and just give up the act of writing altogether), a common trend amongst Americans is to set goals for the new year. And I’m no different. I have a few things in mind, but the biggest one would have to be, well…
I should probably find a job soon.
That’s a thought that pops into my head every night as I lay down to sleep on my cardboard doormat underneath the expressway. “I should probably find a job soon.”
I mean, I have a job actually. I just don’t get paid for it. I believe it’s called “volunteering” in your language? Yeah. You see, where I’m from, we actually call it…
“Volunteering”
What are you, a fucking idiot? I’m speaking the same language as you.
I expend my services at a tourist information/crime prevention center in the Little Tokyo neighborhood in LA. Such a place is called a koban in Japanese. It’s the greatest job I’ve ever had. Salary or not, it’s always a kick in the pants when I stroll into the koban. The multitude of characters I meet there is nothing short of spectacular: old people, monks, international travelers, second and third generation Japanese (including the owner of the oldest confectionery in the US), world-class boxers, sushi-heads, otaku, people wearing animal outfits, homeless people, and my new best friend Yama, the largest Japanese sumo wrestler in the world. Yes. You heard correctly.
You never know who the fuck is gonna walk into that place, which helps to make it the greatest experience ever. I personally tire of jobs after about a year or so, but if I can find something like this, that is also going to be able to fund my wife’s shoe collection, then I’ll be straight.
At this point it looks like I’ll be able to become an interpreter of some kind, or maybe a teacher (English or Japanese), or, if all else fails, a sexy psychedelic unicorn, so… you know, I’m keeping my options open.
The best thing about volunteering is, it gives me so much more time to invest in myself, to learn and try all these new forays out. I’ve learned how to draw cartoons, how to type faster (courtesy of “Mario Teaches Typing”), and how to cook Frittatas.
Plus, I’m currently preparing new material to return back to the big stage and share comedy with the world. Stand-up comedy. I’ll probably be sitting down when I do it though, since this toilet seat is still glued to my ass-cheeks (don’t ask).
And for my final act, the time has finally come for me to unleash a PODCAST upon the world! Yep, this one has been brewing in my head for quite a while, and I finally found the team and resources to make it happen. My first podcast will debut…
TONIGHT!
That’s right, after you read this, my podcast should be up and running, available for your listening (dis)pleasure. Nevermind what the topic is, just give it a listen!
The topic is wrestling, btw. Yes, that kind of wrestling.
Oh what, you don’t watch wrestling? But you’ll watch 11 seasons of Game of Thrones? Damn. What’s it like being so cool?
Anyway, here’s to the new year. A new mentality. Trying new things (like watching wrestling). Not taking shit from anyone (like that vicious black woman I got kicked off the bus today).
This year will be DIFFERENT from the last. Promise me that. Live! Adventure! 2017! The Greatest year in the history of the Cosmos!
