Skiing is retarded.
And I don’t use that word lightly.
I only use it with people who have down syndrome. And things that I disapprove of. Like yoga.
“Yoga is soooo retarded.”
See? That’s how I use it.
So when I say skiing is retarded, trust me.
But just in case you need me to spell it out for you: here are the reasons skiing sucks more ass than a professional ass sucker.
- It’s fucking expensive
I spent 118 euros for a coat, the stupid equipment, and the ability to go down a mountain like 6 or 7 times
2. The poles
These stupid sticks in my hand, what purpose do they serve? I’m not stabbing anybody. (Yet.) The only these things do is super-charge my impending doom at the hands of the mountain. Plus, whenever I crash not only do I have to worry about not spearing myself in the heart, now I gotta worry about losing one of these sticks and the rental company charging me even more.
3. Sunburn
“The sun reflects off the snow! Didn’t you know that?” said my sister. Well NO Kelly, I didn’t know that. What do I look like, a fucking geologist?
4. Losing your skiis
Not only do I have these stupid sticks to worry about, but the fucking skiis themselves become detatched after you wipe out. Liabilities everywhere!
5. The body hurt
At the end of my little skiing “adventure,” I felt like ass. I felt like donkey ass! I felt pain in my head, pain in my muscles—pain in muscles I didn’t even know I had! But worse was in the butt area. The glutes, I think it’s called? Felt like I had just gone on a three-day bender with Elton John.
6. Off-course? On-course?
You never really know what are defined as the limits of the ski mountain. So you stray a little bit too much to one side or the other, and whoa, next thing you know, you end up in the French Alps. When I was a young lad, brainwashed into thinking that skiing was actually cool, my father took my skiing in Wisconsin. Only after I had done a descent in the mountain, I realized I didn’t know how to stop. The flat part, where you are supposed to stop? I went past that. WAY past that. And ended up in a fucking pond. True story.
7. Taking a piss
Oh! Wanna pee? Good luck! Taking all that fucking gear and straps and shit off is totally not worth it. At this point, it’s more worth your time and effort to just soil yourself then and there. I recommend peeing on the chair lift. The tinkle will drizzle down upon the people skiing below you, and the people seated on the chair to your left and right probably won’t be aware of your deeds… until it is too late.
8. People going downhill at the same time as you
Turns out, there are other people skiing here too. And it just so happens that sometime, they are going down the mountain at the exact same time as you, too. And when that happens, you look over, and you realize that if one of you falls, the other one is collateral damage, that is a very scary moment. It’s like a downhill game of Chicken. And I lose this game of Chicken. Every. Single. Time. (Usually to a small child.)
9. Crashing is a graceless affair
Try to crash and look cool. Go on! Try it. You can’t. It’s impossible. You just kind of tilt over, while going very high speeds, usually land with your face first, and then explode into a cloud of snow and whimpers. A real hit to your ego.
10. Snowboarding is way cooler
And better in every which way! Know what happens when I crash on a snowboard? Nothing. I fall and get right back up. I don’t have to worry about a ski flying off and going downhill. Know why? Because I have one BIG ski. That’s STRAPPED there, to my feet! Makes way more sense.
Anyways, I could probably come up with another 10 or 20 reasons skiing sucks, but by this point, I have to assume that you get my point.
And just in case you need a visual aide, from the last (most recent) and last (final) time I will EVER go skiing, here is a video I made from that day. With about only HALF of my falls documented.
Bravo!